Why are people so ignorant about registries???

[daisymay11]

I was frustrated that at my wedding shower I refused to register anywhere because we were having a destination wedding and we just appreciated anyone who was coming and did not want them feeling obligated to spend more money. We also already had our house and everything we needed so just wanted people to come and enjoy theirselves. Well people were constantly phoning me, phoning my mom and people were upset that there was no registry. I just figured with the baby shower I would register as it was in such demand but then no one bought off it. Just confusing to me!

I do appreciate everything that people got me but agree that donating it it insulting to the buyer so instead i will pack it away.

 

[mjvdec01]

It's a bit strange how registries are part of your culture and yet so many people (who are presumably from the same cultural background) choose not to buy items from the registry. I would have thought if something was embedded into a culture, it would be followed by baby shower guests as well as those throwing the showers?

I've had two baby showers, and a wedding shower. I guess I've just had a different experience than any of the rest of the women from the US. My family and friends purchased off the registries, and if there was something more personal that they wanted to include, they did. For example: One of my cousins, really didn't have much money at the time, so she bought two baby bottles of the brand I had registered for and then included a beautiful baby blanket she made. Other family members and friends did similar things, while others just stuck solely to the registry. For us, it's part tradition, part just wanting to please the guest of honor. I don't see anything wrong with that at all. For me, giving a gift is more rewarding when I know it's something the reciever wants/needs/will use. Having babies is expensive, there are a lot of things that most families don't account for as far as expenses. If I can buy a gift that will fill a need, and allow that money to be used on other more pressing things, like medical expenses, diapers, formula... than why not? A $50 or $100 gift as a one time thing for that family is worth it to me. Ofcourse, my idea of necessity for a baby will differ than most women, but that's me. It's not like there's a baby shower every month. Anyway, I really don't see it as a big deal.

 

[Kittenscales]

I think the thing I find strange is the expectation for things like changing tables, tubs, Moses baskets, mobiles etc etc

These are all item we have bought for our child. We decided to have a baby and ŵouldnt expect anyone to buy these items. Plus if your are so picky you have a specific item, then that is YOUR taste and YOU should buy it. Registries are surely optional?!

When people ask if we need anything I am very proud to say no we have done it all ourselves. If people are adamant about buying something I give a suggestion within their budget or leave it to them.

If its useless then it goes in the cupboard and do long as the gift is genuine and thoughtful I wouldn't grudge it.

Saying that I have moaned about my SIL cheap Xmas/baby gift in the past hehe but she is a total moo x

 

[mjvdec01]

We had our shower about a week ago. Same deal-we spent hours investigating every brand we could think of for every item. We didn't include clothes because each weekend we have been going out to buy and outfit or two on sale for something for me to do (we started because I haven't had many symptoms and it helped make things real for me). At our shower we got clothes, a lamp, and a crib bumper. We have over 100 items on our registry from medicines to sheets to equipment to toys. We got an effing lamp and bumper.

We had even been sending coupons to relatives "just in case". We have a closet full of clothes and almost nothing else. We bought the crib a while ago, but we had to get the crib mattress, bedding, changing table, bottles, tub-EVERYTHING. I don't know why we bothered, either.

We had items on the registry like shampoo and pacifiers, too. At least 40 items under $10. It's not like we wanted ridiculously expensive stuff. Some of the outfits were over $30 and thy got her a newborn dress for $50 from some boutique that she will probably not even fit into now that we know she is going to be a massive baby. I would have been happy with a bunch of used books for her library instead of all the stinking clothes that will fit her for a couple of weeks.

If those things were so important to you then why didn't you buy them yourself?

Disgusted with the ungratefulness in this post - and feel very sorry for those poor people who spent their money on your child.

I agree, this post is a bit off-putting. While I can understand the frustration, and see her point. I don't like the image it's painting of her. If you're just letting off steam, and frustrated because you really though you would get help with some of those expenses, then, that I get. Maybe you and your husband are in a bad positon finacially, and feel like you can't have the things that baby is going to need? Babies are expensive and to buy all the baby gear and clothing yourself can be a strain on your budget if you aren't expecting it. Although I understand what you're saying, I think the way you came across was less than ideal. If you're having a hard time, we are all here to lend support, and be a resource for possible solutions. Take a deep breath, go through your registry and decide what you need now, and what can wait. Craigslist is also a great resource.

 

[mjvdec01]

I think the thing I find strange is the expectation for things like changing tables, tubs, Moses baskets, mobiles etc etc

These are all item we have bought for our child. We decided to have a baby and ŵouldnt expect anyone to buy these items. Plus if your are so picky you have a specific item, then that is YOUR taste and YOU should buy it. Registries are surely optional?!

When people ask if we need anything I am very proud to say no we have done it all ourselves. If people are adamant about buying something I give a suggestion within their budget or leave it to them.

If its useless then it goes in the cupboard and do long as the gift is genuine and thoughtful I wouldn't grudge it.

Saying that I have moaned about my SIL cheap Xmas/baby gift in the past hehe but she is a total moo x

I have to agree. We've always purchased our own baby furniture and the larger items like the swing and travel system. I would never think of putting anything over about $80 on a registry. The only reason I've done that is because I have aunts that always wanted to do something on the BIG side.

 

[daisymay11]

I think the thing I find strange is the expectation for things like changing tables, tubs, Moses baskets, mobiles etc etc

These are all item we have bought for our child. We decided to have a baby and ŵouldnt expect anyone to buy these items. Plus if your are so picky you have a specific item, then that is YOUR taste and YOU should buy it. Registries are surely optional?!

When people ask if we need anything I am very proud to say no we have done it all ourselves. If people are adamant about buying something I give a suggestion within their budget or leave it to them.

If its useless then it goes in the cupboard and do long as the gift is genuine and thoughtful I wouldn't grudge it.

Saying that I have moaned about my SIL cheap Xmas/baby gift in the past hehe but she is a total moo x

I have to agree. We've always purchased our own baby furniture and the larger items like the swing and travel system. I would never think of putting anything over about $80 on a registry. The only reason I've done that is because I have aunts that always wanted to do something on the BIG side.

We only put a few large items on our registry because often people will want to go in on one larger item. That way everyone can choose how much they want to contribute. Otherwise I would never expect people to buy very expensive gifts.

 

[Kissel]

If those things were so important to you then why didn't you buy them yourself?

Disgusted with the ungratefulness in this post - and feel very sorry for those poor people who spent their money on your child.

We did buy them ourselves. The most important things were the things relating to hygeine and some of the least expensive. (We have since bought these things and do have everything that we need now.) It is frustrating because people spent money on the little outfits and I know we will not use most of them. I would much rather these people have their money than us having something we will not need. It is awkward to tell people "take back what you got for us and keep the money". Like I said, we will likely donate a lot of them to a shelter so that somebody who actually *needs* them can get use out of them. Again, looking back at my original post it does make me seem like a brat and it wasn't well written. I am grateful and I was very happy to see almost all of my family in the same place at the same time. I also had the opportunity to catch up with a very old friend. I think my impression of my shower was also a bit soured by events afterward (I won't go into it because it's posted elsewhere). I think some of those feelings came out in the original post as well. We do like the lamp and the bumper from our registry-we did register for them, after all!

Like others said, I did get a really neat mattress protector from my aunt. She wrote a note with it explaining that she wanted me to have it because it would save me time and effort in the early days and why it is important. One of my young cousins knitted a small "lovie" for the baby (like a security item). That was probably one of the best things I have ever recieved because so much effort went into it.

Again-I am not ungrateful, just frustrated. Like the OP-we spent hours pouring over reviews for different products and different models to figure out what would be the best for our lifestyle. We weren't one of those couples that just registered for the most expensive item in each category to bankrupt people. We put a lot of thought into things and have been saving for a while to make last minute purchases. We are certainly in the financial position to support our child with the things we need and want her to have. That's not the complaint. The complaint is the practicality that 50 outfits the same size can offer. I suppose the silver lining is less laundry.

Any hoo-next time around we won't be doing a registry or shower. Things were a mess afterward (again, unpleasant events right after the shower). Next time we will probably try to have a family barbeque or big dinner out with the whole family to celebrate.

 

[Miss Ashley]

Honestly, it's all coming down to what we're accustomed to, it seems. No need to toss around the awful "ungrateful" word to every person who is accustomed to registries being the standard thing for baby showers.

Registries just make sense. Face it - people ARE going to buy you gifts. I have a registry, and though I've set out a list so people know what we still need, I will most DEFINITELY be grateful upon receiving those items. Friends and family heading to my baby shower have no idea what we already have for baby and what we still need, so I see this registry as a necessary tool. Many of the posters are right - why just decide to not go with a registry so people can think of a "thoughtful" gift in the way of a cutsie outfit that isn't needed? Personally, I'd rather get nothing than a truck full of items I can't use. People shouldn't be putting their hard-earned money towards anything other than necessities and the registry gives them an itemized list of what those necessities are.

Oh, and I also am one of the Mom-to-bes who spent hours on her registry just to find the perfect model suitable for our baby. As thoughtful as others might be in their choosing, I'd prefer that I be the one to choose which item models my baby will be using as I have my own reasoning behind each that others may not share.

 

[OCmommy]

I don't see anything wrong with having a registry or having large items on a registry. Some people like to buy big items & some people like to go in on larger items with other people. My husband & I could've easily purchased all of the things on our baby shower registry but that didn't stop us from listing them... It's not like we were asking for or expecting anything, it was simply for anyone who wanted to bring a gift & needed a little guidance as to what we would want/use.

Some people bought us things that were listed, some people bought us things that weren't. Either way, we appreciated every gift equally

 

[lemongrass]

The way I look at it- as parents you are responsible for buying all the necessities for your baby and if others want to give you a gift then that is a bonus. If they want to get you something the baby needs and uses your registry- extra special bonus! Otherwise they get to choose what to spend their money on, even if it is for your kid. If they want to choose a cute outfit then that is their choice!

 

[PepsiChic]

I think the thing I find strange is the expectation for things like changing tables, tubs, Moses baskets, mobiles etc etc

These are all item we have bought for our child. We decided to have a baby and ŵouldnt expect anyone to buy these items. Plus if your are so picky you have a specific item, then that is YOUR taste and YOU should buy it. Registries are surely optional?!

When people ask if we need anything I am very proud to say no we have done it all ourselves. If people are adamant about buying something I give a suggestion within their budget or leave it to them.

If its useless then it goes in the cupboard and do long as the gift is genuine and thoughtful I wouldn't grudge it.

Saying that I have moaned about my SIL cheap Xmas/baby gift in the past hehe but she is a total moo x

the big more expensive items are more for family etc, for example, if your parents have been bugging you to buy something for the baby but so have your siblings...you can put something like a moses basket ont he register and then they all put in something to get it rather individually buy smaller items.


In an ideal situation, if people wanted to spend money on getting you things for your baby you'd just accept giftcards or money and buy what you need! but thats considered "rude" and therefor people instead create registerys...

the problem is "expecting" those things, a gift registery is just that GIFTS, they shouldnt be expected, if people choose to buy something for you, be it from the registery, or not then the only thing you can do is acknowledge and be grateful.

I mean if people have bought you something you dont like/dont want/wont use, then I would personally feel guilty they wasted their money! But I would likely donate it, sell it or regift it, so that it does get used by someone who needs or wants it!

 

[tntrying22]

We did a registry and I did spend a lot of time looking at items. I treated it more like a realistic wish list and stuck to things we needed, but took the attitude that if we didn't get everything then that was fine - we were grateful for all the items we received, but I did get several duplicated items and did return them for other needed items. Some of the items that were larger that were on there I was fully prepared to buy myself (either new or second hand) if we didn't receive what we had - blessing if it was gotten if not, no big deal. I always try to get someone I am buying for something on the registry (even if it's just the preferred diaper cream) and then maybe a nice surprise gift like an outfit or toy or something handmade. It's a little fun to be surprised with some things at the shower as well

 

[Peggy O]

I used to think they were horrible and rude....I was only ever invited to ONE shower though, and the mom to be was over the top about it. 100's of hundred dollar PLUS items on it. Never having seen one, I was a little shocked. I said I would not want to do one when we were expecting, but mom and my sister said I kinda should, that many people they invited to the shower were asking. We went to a store and did one with 30 items on it....$1.99 stuff up through stroller price. It was nice to have a list to "complete", which we did after the shower. We received gifts from it, and ones that people chose themselves, all wonderful and very much appreciated!

 

[PepsiChic]

the best part of the registery was creating it!

We went into walmart they gave us a scanner and we went around zapping everything lol, spent ages goign through deleting half the stuff we zapped, mainly because my husband took himself down the alcohol aisle and was scanning all the vodka and whiskey and beer LOL

 

[DessyMarie]

I did make a registry, but from my personal experience, people bought a lot of stuff off the registry, and others didn't. Either way, I didn't mind as it was my first baby and I was greatful for everything and anything I got. Most people sent the receipts along, which was great because there were about 3 items I got double of. When I took them back, I was able to trade the price value in for something I hadn't gotten but desperately wanted for the nursery!

 

[fides]

ETA: I don't know how anyone else in America feels about it, but I would feel awful returning or donating to charity someone's thoughtfully chosen gift because I will never use it. That, to me, is even more rude than making a registry and wanting people to buy from that.

imo, once a gift is given, it is your right to do with that gift what you want. if you want to donate it or freecycle it, fine - i don't see how a gift-giver has the right to tell you or expect what you'll do with their gift once you've received it (my mom does this to me and drives me crazy! "i know you already have 2 of these, but don't give mine away.") i just don't think gifts should come with strings attached, so i don't feel bad at all for passing along items i've received that i don't need (on the flip side is to say my mom does not have the right to clutter my house with things i can't use).

I have some very talented friends who make some gorgeous items and I am incredibly humbled that they took time out of their lives to make toys, clothes and other items for my family.

^this. with my baby shower for my rainbow baby, yes, i got a bunch of things off my registry, but the hand-made items were truly the most treasured - the fact that they took the time to make something special for my baby was priceless.

same thing this time around - have received some things we didn't need but are still very special because of the thought/care/time that went into them. Honestly, the main reason i did a registry either time was for the 10% completion discount and to use as a personal shopping list - didn't care if we got items from the registry from others or if we just used it as a shopping list, and yes, i've received a LOT of things that we may not be able to use, but at least they were thinking of me and my babies, and i appreciate the time/money they spent on us.

 

[patooti]

It's not really crass or rude, it's just a tradition here. I understand this doesn't really translate across the pond, sort of like Halloween too, but there is nothing greedy about a first time mom expecting gifts at her baby shower. It's like showing up to a wedding without a gift for the bride and groom - it's not rude, it's just tradition.

Well it might not be rude to expect people to bring a gift but to complain because they didn't get the right ones or were too "ignorant" to figure out the registry IS pretty shallow honestly.

A baby shower isn't meant to fund your child or provide all the needful stuff IMO. It is a tradition based on women gathering to shower a new mom with stuff they think she'll need or like for babe.

Some of us live far from all relatives and don't get to even have showers. Honestly be thankful, people came and thought of you even if you don't get as much use out of things as you'd like it is still sweet.

 

[sethsmummy]

woowee reading some of these makes me grateful i live in the UK... if any of my friends acted like that about a registry they would be told to do one! We create the child... therefore we pay for it! It is the responsibility of the parents and the parents alone to provide for their child... if others want to help thats fantastic but its not a given right.. just because you got pregnant doesn't mean people have to buy you gifts. :S we bought everything for our first.. and have done again for this one.. and we are not in a great financial position at the moment after dh loosing his job when i was 7 weeks pregnant. But we are managing just fine!

Some of you just seem plain rude and ungrateful and i hope you bring your children up with much more respect for gifts than what you are showing here.

 

[aliss]

It's not really crass or rude, it's just a tradition here. I understand this doesn't really translate across the pond, sort of like Halloween too, but there is nothing greedy about a first time mom expecting gifts at her baby shower. It's like showing up to a wedding without a gift for the bride and groom - it's not rude, it's just tradition.

Well it might not be rude to expect people to bring a gift but to complain because they didn't get the right ones or were too "ignorant" to figure out the registry IS pretty shallow honestly.

A baby shower isn't meant to fund your child or provide all the needful stuff IMO. It is a tradition based on women gathering to shower a new mom with stuff they think she'll need or like for babe.

Some of us live far from all relatives and don't get to even have showers. Honestly be thankful, people came and thought of you even if you don't get as much use out of things as you'd like it is still sweet.

I live 5000k from my family, I didn't get one either for my 1st (and def. not the 2nd), so I'm not taking this personal .

I don't disagree that the OP has made some rather childish comments in her subsequent post but I think the comments that baby showers in GENERAL are just rude and grubby annoy me. I never had one, but I loved giving gifts to my friends expecting their babies.

And any mother here knows you've got a good 3-5 'fancy' looking gifts like cute booties in a box just sitting in a closet somewhere, unopened. I have 5 baby books for 1 child. Maybe if I had a shower with registry, people wouldn't have spent $20 on something that couldn't be used.

I know I don't like to piss my money away, so I'd rather get her a nose sucker or breast pads if she really needed them and would use them, rather than something cute in a box that will never be opened.

 

[Kyla]

I can see both sides here, there is a benefit to having registries - some people are clueless as to what to buy for a baby, and if you have one set up then you'll have spent time on it so people asking what they can buy you when you've published your registry is a bit annoying!
On the other hand, customs and etiquette differs widely across the globe and I can understand that a lot of us UK ladies find the idea doesn't fit in with our experiences.

We've bought almost everything ourselves as no-one loves us well, we have a very small family and very few friends due to moving area so many times. No work colleagues as DH is self-employed and I am currently a SAHM. However, I did create a wish list on Amazon of items I wanted to buy, ranging from a few pounds up to £60 for an Avent Steamer/Blender thing and if anyone asked what was on my list, I shared the wishlist with them and said we've got most things for a newborn, if they'd like to buy clothes then anything from 3-6months onwards would be wonderful.

Health and happiness to all