Cautiously Pregnant After A Loss. PMA, But Not Taking It For Granted.

[too_scared]

Can you crochet, Mrs. M.?

This is the pattern I "looked at" https://www.repeatcrafterme.com/2012/04/crochet-owl-hat-pattern.html It really is quite easy. I only do double crochet stitches so that is how I make it. Just a regular hat shape. And then I made up a way to make the ear flaps. Then 2 circles for the eyes. And a triangle for the beak. That is probably the hardest part. I really can't follow patterns so I am sure I didn't do it exactly as it shows here but how I did it was easy

If you can't crochet I can always make you one and send it over! I love to crochet but usually never know what to make. It will give me a project.

My mom is coming to help with those things as well. Not so much to help with the baby, but to help keep the house in order and us fed! Haha!

 

[Crayz]

The new hat was too small I don't want to tell her as I know it would break her heart. I know how hard she worked on it (I know this because she told me EVERYTIME I talked to her on the phone). The cupcake hat however, is too big, lol, so at least she can grow into that one.

I love to crochet! Although I'm not as advanced as you are Mindy! It really clears my brain and calms me.

Yeardley has vomited acid today like 3 times, one of those times panicking and not breathing for a good 30 seconds while turning bright, bright red. So I think it's time to look into an amino acid based formula, which is like, $50.00 a can, and a switch on her medication. Oh, and the formula? They don't have it here. I'd have to ship it from the states. Will this ever end? I cannot wait to get off this island!

Mrs. M-I LOVE my daughter so much. She is my miracle baby, and i feel mymlife is now complete, but what it took to stay pregnant, a very rough pregnancy, a preemie with heart defects and esophagitis, I can't possibly risk doing this to another child. So hopefully she likes the idea of being the only one. At least I won't ever have to share my love, as I don't think it's possible!

 

[too_scared]

I find knitting and crocheting is very calming and really helps to clear my mind too. Knitting is completely automatic for me now if I am making something simple like a scarf. I don't even really need to look. It is so nice to de-stress with it.

Yeardley can wear her cupcake hat home!

I don't know your pregnancy story but you sound like a very strong woman. Your strength and love for your baby girl shines through in all your posts.

 

[too_scared]

So, I am going out in public tomorrow for the first time showing my bump in its full glory...

I am substituting at a school tomorrow that I worked at last year. I am actually going to wear a fitted shirt! Eek! There's a first time for everything! I am really nervous about it.

I hope you are all well!

 

[Mrs Miggins]

Yay Mindy! Good for you. I hope you enjoy "outing" the bump. No, I don't think I can crochet. I learnt when I was about ten but I would never figure out how to do it again. I can't make anything but a mess, I'm useless.

 

[Crayz]

Thank you Mindy! That is so nice to hear. I wish I felt it was the truth as far as my strength. I cry often because it's not easy. I think I had a break down once a day for awhile there. Her feeding is my biggest issue. I can't say I blame her. If everytime I ate it hurt really bad and it made me so tired from all of the work it took because my heart was weak, I'd probably not want to eat either. I compare it to after my c-section my stomach was jacked up for awhile. Everything I ate hurt my stomach, so for awhile I was afraid to eat. The difference is that I can do that, she has already been diagnosed as "Failure to Thrive" so she needs to eat.

I'm just really trying to avoid her having to get a feeding tube, so I've had to be creative. I always talk to her very softly when she's about to latch on to the bottle and I tell her I proud I am of her and how she's mommy's big girl so she thinks eating is a good thing. Or I sing to her. I also up the calories in her feeds with rice cereal. So far it's working, as she is gaining weight, but I worry everytime I take her for a weight check that she may have lost because she vomits a lot.

My pregnancy story is this in a nut shell: She measured small from 20 weeks, they monitored me closely for the rest of my pregnancy. I had Non-Stress Tests 3 times a week, Dopplers twice a week, growth scans every other week, and lots of blood work, steroid shots, the works! I was told she would be premature, but they couldn't give me an exact time, so it was just a fly by the seat of your pants kind of thing. She was only gaining a quarter of a pound every two weeks. The norm is 1/2-1 lb. per week towards the end. She was measuring 4 weeks behind. So at 34 weeks the placenta started to show restriction during a routine Doppler, and that day she was born via emergency c-section at 3 lbs. She spent 5 weeks in the NICU. They found her heart defect 4 days after she was born. It's still up for debate on whether or not that was the reason she was so small. I blamed myself (and still do-just not openly). I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I know in my heart that there was nothing I could do about it, but I still have those feelings of guilt from time to time.

I just want my daughter to have a good, healthy life. So I hope that it can all be fixed, and she can run and play and do all of the things other kids can do!

 

[Mrs Miggins]

Oh Lexi you know it's nothing you did. It sounds like you are doing an awesome job. I love how you are encouraging her. I'm sure she will grow up to do all the things you hope and many more, and you and her will have the closest bond.

 

[Crayz]

Thank you Mrs. M!

That brought a tear to my eye!

I sing her lullabies or "Elmo's Song" from sesame street but I change the words, lol. I sing it really slowly and softly and say, "La la la la, la la la la, Yeardley's song. You want the bottle, but you won't eat. That's Yeardley's song."

My husband chuckles. Last night I sang, "If I didn't love you, I'd take you back. That's Yeardley's song."

We have to keep the humor in our lives or I don't think we'd survive!

I sing one for Saki and Habu too (the dogs). I have fun with it.

 

[too_scared]

Mrs. M., you are far from useless!! I am sure if you wanted to you could pick up crocheting no problem

I am going to try to enjoy the outing but I really don't know how it is going to go. I know the ladies are all going to be happy, but I really hate to be the centre of attention. I just can't keep by belly hidden forever, there has to be a first day. Haha!

Lexi, you are so very strong and I agree with Mrs. M. 100%, Yeardley is going to grow up to be big and strong and do all the things you wish for her and more. There is definitely nothing that you did to cause the problems. Sometimes these things just happen. She has the best mommy! I bet those songs make her smile.

 

[Crayz]

Thank you!! Both of your words mean a lot to me.

Good luck on your first day back with your new "accessory." I'm sure it will be a great day and by the end of it, you'll be glowing knowing how happy the ladies are for you! And then you will be glad when it's over and realize it was not as bad as you thought.

I know what you mean by center of attention. Makes me nervous and awkward. I was never like that until later in life. Maybe it's that I talk to people in a mirror reflection all the time, and it's never about me, so when I'm face to face with people, and it IS about me, I get all shy and anxious.

So happy it's Friday! Scott has 4 days off for a holiday, so it will be nice to relax a little and have help during the day.

I hope you are all enjoying your days/night! I have no idea what time it is anywhere. Here it's 12:00 noon.
I just had my decaf tea and I'm playing with Little Miss Cupcake.

 

[Crayz]

Woo hoo!!

Scott just called me earlier to tell me that they are moving us off this island in about 3-7 weeks (it really depends upon how long it takes us to get everything done)!!

That is the best news (besides when I found out I was pregnant with Yeardley) that I've heard in 3 years!

If my husband ever got stationed here again, I think I'd have to give myself a lobotomy just to survive it. I think drooling all over yourself having no idea what is going on is the way to do it.

Cheers to ridiculous gas prices, gluttony, horrible customer service, illegal aliens, bad politics, high crime rates, and blizzards!

Ahhh. I miss the states!

 

[Mrs Miggins]

Yay!!!! Brilliant news!! Whereabouts will you be?

 

[kelly1973]

first of all i want to say crayz you sound like a fantastic mummy what you are doing is amazing .
fantastic news about getting to the states wicked xx
ts enjoy your bump coming out day how exciting
i cant do anything sewing wise im useless now put me with a lamb or a piglet or a puppy lol and im in my element ive always been animal mad , ive had a few tearful days crying about how i mite not cope with baby as ive never been marternal and up untill i was ttc never thought about a family dont get me wrong i want this more then anything but ive always been the one to run away if theres a baby was in the room ive never even held a baby.
any ways hope you ladies are all ok the sun is shing here for a change and not rainging so things are looking good

 

[Mrs Miggins]

Kelly you don't live too far from me. Would it help to get together after my baby arrives and you can cuddle him/her or change a nappy or whatever?

 

[Crayz]

Thank you Kelly! Those are very kind words, and I take them to heart.

I agree with you on the running from babies thing. When I was at parties or get togethers and there were kids/babies, I was very awkward. I would hide in a corner and hope they didn't come near me. When it is YOUR baby it is completely different. I know everyone will say that to you, but it's true. You are going to be great mommy! Just you wait and see. I can relate though. Before Yeardley, while I was pregnant, I would panic. "Oh my god, my life is going to be over. I'm never going to do the things I enjoy. I am going to have to take care of something that depends on me fully." But baby comes, and all of a sudden, it's not about you anymore, and you just do it, because you love them so much. Your life is going to change, but in the best way, and you will become a better person because of it. You will truly find out what love is. I promise.

We will be going to Quantico, VA. It's east coast, only a few hours from our family, who all live in Pennsylvania.

Mrs. M-That is so sweet of you. I wish you lived close to me so I could cuddle your LO!

 

[hopeithappens]

Crayz that's brilliant news

Kelly I totally agree with what crayz said, I was never maternal, never wanted any kids until about a month before I fell pg with Ryan, I'd hardly had any experience with babies despite having 2nephews and a niece , I can still remember when I hadn't been with oh very long and had a scare and I said to my friend having a baby will ruin my life. And she said having kids doesn't ruin your life it only makes it more interesting and now I couldn't agree with that more, I was terrified the day I brought Ryan home, everyone had left and oh had nipped over the shop and I burst out crying thinking omg now what do I do, but you just get on with it and I wouldn't be without him now, I never understood the love people felt for their kids until having him, I'm sure you'll be a brill mum to your Lo

 

[Mrs Miggins]

Where is VA? I'm sorry I'm not very good on the abbreviations. I know where Pennsylvania is though.
I've been the complete opposite. All my life I've had babies around me, younger sisters, cousins, friends, and I've always loved them. It came as a surprise to everyone that I ended up leaving it so late to have my own, but I just didn't find the right man.

 

[too_scared]

oooh, I want to comment on this but I have to go to darn work!

very quick

Kelly, I think you and I are the same person!

Lexi, what wonderful news!!!

More later

 

[Crayz]

Mrs M-Virgina. South of Pennsylvania.

Now I'm going to have to jump through some serious hoops to get my furry babies ready for the flight. Poor kids, they're going to be so scared.

 

[kelly1973]

arh thanks ladies trust me mrs the first chance i get im down to yours and thats been a date for a while xx