Hello girls. I read this on a site and it had me laughing endlessly. Pardon me for the length of it ;-)
Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity,
put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for
9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of
the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity,
go to local chemist, tip the contents of
your wallet onto the counter and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the
supermarket and arrange to have your
salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home, pick up the newspaper and read
it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple
who are already parents and berate them
about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels
and how they have allowed their children
to run wild. Suggest ways in which they
might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and
overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the
last time in your life that you will have all
the answers. Test 3 To discover how the
nights will feel: 1. Walk around the living
room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet
bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with
a radio tuned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. At
10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight and go to sleep. 3. Get up at
12pm and walk the bag around the living
room until 1 am. 4. Set the alarm for
3am. 5. As you can't get back to sleep,
get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6.
Go to bed at 2.45am. 7. Get up again at
3am when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing
songs in the dark until 4 am. 9. Put the
alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes
off. 10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for
5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing
small children. 1. Buy a live octopus and
a string bag. 2. Attempt to put the
octopus into the string bag so that none
of the arms hang out. 3. Time allowed for
this - all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW.
Buy a Volvo/people carrier, etc 1. Buy a
chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment. 2. Leave it there. 3.
Get a coin, insert it into the CD player
then remove it with a lump hammer 4.
Take a family size pack of chocolate
biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1. Plan to
got out at 1pm but wait until 1:15 to get
ready. 2. Go out the front door. 3. Come
in again. 4. Go out. 5. Come back in. 6.
Go out again. 7. Walk down the front
path/driveway. 8. Walk back up it. 9.
Walk down it again. 10. Walk very slowly
down the road for five minutes. 11. Stop,
and answer at least 6 questions about
every piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12.
Retrace your steps. 13. Scream until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk. Test 7
Repeat everything, and we mean
everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean
everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean
everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean
everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean
everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with
you the nearest thing you can find to a
pre-school child. A full-grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than
one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the
goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until
you can easily accomplish this, do not
even contemplate having children. Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small
hole in the side. 3. Suspend the melon
from the ceiling and swing it from side to
side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy
cornflakes and attempt to spoon them
into the swaying melon while pretending
to be an aeroplane. 5. Continue until half
the cornflakes are gone. 6. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor. 7. You are now ready to
feed a 12-month-old child. Test 10 Learn
the names of every character from
Thomas the Tank Engine, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney, and all the songs
of the Wiggles and Tweenies. Watch
nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11 Can you stand the mess children
make? To find out: 1. Smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains. 2. Hide a fish behind the stereo
and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick
your fingers in the flower beds then rub
them on the clean walls. 4. Cover the
stains with crayon. 5. How does that
look? Test 12 Make a recording of a high-
pitched voice shouting 'Mummy'
repeatedly. Important: No more than a
four second delay between each 'Mummy'
- occasional crescendo to the level of a
supersonic jet is required. Play this tape
in your car, everywhere you go for the
next four years. You are now ready to
take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continuously tug on
your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while
playing the 'Mummy' Tape made from
Test 12 above. You are now ready to have
a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your
finest work attire. Pick a day on which
you have an important meeting. Now: 1.
Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup
lemon juice in it. 2. Stir. 3. Dump half of
it on your nice silk shirt. 4. Saturate a
towel with the other half of the mixture. 5.
Attempt to clean your shirt with the
saturated towel. 6. Do NOT change. You
have no time. 7. Go directly to work. Test
15 Go for a drive, but first... 1. Find one
large tomcat and six pit bulls. 2. Borrow
a child safety seat and put it in the back
seat of your car. 3. Put the pit bulls in the
front seat of your car. 4. While holding
something fragile or delicate, strap the
cat into the child seat. 5. For the really
adventurous...... Run some errands,
remove and replace the cat at each stop.
If you can pass all 15 tests you are now
ready to have kids
and we couldn't be happier!!!
