Hi Everyone,
firstly, have to say: completely new to posting and the lingo and the 'rules' and everything - but have been reading silently over last few weeks and only now feel like I'm ready to join in. Though notice the eyes getting wet as I say that, so perhaps not as ready as I thought.
I had D&C four weeks ago yesterday. In some ways, still feeling like I had my baby taken away then, but know in my head that there was no baby there. I had a positive test back in September - we'd been trying for about six months. Anyway, I remember feeling tired for the first two days, but after that I started to feel very 'normal'. And it worried me. I spent as much time looking up about people who had their dating scans only to find out that their baby wasn't developing as I did trying to find out where my baby should be developmentally. It was like I knew before I knew, if you know what I mean.
Skip to our dating scan - on Halloween, of all dates - I wasn't supposed to have a scan, just a consultant check-up, so had gone in without DH. Scan was booked in for next day. While I was there, nurse decided they might as well scan me there. I phoned my hubbie, who proceeded to speed up motorway to get there asap. As I wasn't prepared, bladder wasn't full and they couldn't see anything when they called me in, so sent me out to drink water and come back. Hubbie landed by time I was called in again. They said that they could find sac, but no baby, or at least nothing measuring to our dates. My response was to say that I had know this all along, which, in truth and in my heard, I did.
Anyway, a few weeks of messing about followed - they wanted to prove, understandably, that m/c was occurring, but Bean decided to complicate things - or stay with his Mammy a little longer - by growing between scans, but poor baba couldn't get heartbeat going.
Anyway, ERPC was scheduled. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. Have to comment on hospital we went to - porter was FABULOUS, had no idea why we were there but treated us with such kindness - nurses on ward were amazing, and theater nurse held my hand, squeezing me to let me know she was there as they put me to sleep.
sorry - know this group isn't about procedure, but feel like I've started something huge now......
anyway, procedure over on 21st November - bleeding lasted three days, then moved to (TMI warning!!!!) blood-tinged mucus which lasted for about a week, nothing too bad. After that, no signs that anything had happened. Think I had EWCM about 10 days ago. Got negative pregnancy test just over one week ago.
I thought AF started a couple of days ago (I'm now four weeks post ERPC), but - while red - really it seemed more like more blood-tinged mucus, and now has tapered off again to nothing. I'm getting twinges internally, but no sign of anything more happening.
Let me say: I want to be pregnant again ASAP!!! I spent years saying that I didn't care if I never had children. My goodness, now I know how deluded I was..............
My sister is due her second baby in a few weeks. I LOVE her son, my nephew, more than anything. Horribly, I feel jealous of her now. At a work Christmas night out last night my pregnant work colleague - who knows about what has just happened for me - was talking about how she hates the way people send Congratulations cards in the first four months of pregnancy, because really it's awful --- I wanted to push her face into her food!!!
OK, rant over --
basically, I hope I'm in right place. I am trying to conceive after a loss. The loss is still huge and really present. And I can't conceive right now because my body is all over the place.
But I thought this was somewhere to start out with people who understand and are in the same place right now.
Sorry if this is not an appropriate post.
I wish none of us were here,
B xxxx