Sticking Together Until We All Get BFP's!!!!

[Megamegan]

I think the worst part is that I've tried to leave and he never lets me go. That's where my lack of courage comes in to play, because he makes me doubt myself. This morning before he left for work he said "I love you" and I said "Puppy loves you" (I was holding my dog) and he said "But you don't?" and I said "I do..." and he said "You're trying to give me anxiety now, making me think I'm going to come home tonight to a divorce note on the door"... because the week after we got engaged, I did that- I put a note on the door and went to stay with a friend because I was trying to leave him... he got me back though... so now he brings it up any time I seem like I'm on the fence. Anyway, it's comments like that that make me feel guilty for having thoughts of leaving. He works very hard, is trying to make a secure future for us, and the financial part of our lives is really fantastic, making it even more difficult to leave, but luckily I do have my own job so I'd be fine. We have a counseling session together on Friday. I couldn't get my own appt until 2 weeks from now unfortunately. I wish I could see my therapist earlier so I could ask her what to do. Last time she said wait 6 months to give him time to get over the death of his father (father died 2 days before our wedding). But what's the point? He's not really trying to work on his issues, he just buries them. And our problems stem from personality differences, not a temporary issue that will be resolved. We will always fight because we don't understand each other. His tone of voice makes me angry, and he knows this, but that's who he is. I know if I bring up this stuff in our session on Friday, he will just get mad at me afterwards and it might not accomplish anything. My intent was to go to counseling so that I could say I am giving it all my effort. But if my mind is made up, am I really giving it all my effort, or am I just doing that so it LOOKS like I tried? So I will feel less guilty in the end for ending a marriage that I knew was doomed before I even got married? It is my fault for going through with it. I'm not even worried about being alone or finding someone else because I know I will find someone else. As it goes right now, I'd rather be alone than around my husband, and he knows it. We spend our days avoiding each other and then blaming the other person for not wanting to spend time together.

Ugh I am so sorry for rambling incessantly. This is supposed to be about baby making, and it's turning into marriage counseling. lol.

 

[confuzion]

I feel so stressed for you Megan. It seems like you feel trapped in a marriage that doesn't make you happy. You are not trapped! It's ok to be selfish sometimes, and you can get out of this situation if you're feeling miserable.

I think maybe a trial separation might be good for you guys before going right to divorce. Stay somewhere else. Get some distance to see things a little more clearly.

I can understand all the obstacles along the way. Your mom's feelings, hurting him, etc. But that's all they are is obstacles. You can get past them if you decide you want to. And you won't be able to know which way for sure until you get some distance.

 

[MarieMo7]

Megan, I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage problems. I don't have any personal experiences to relate (I've had some bad relationships, but none where I was married or even living with the person) - but I do want to tell you about DH's cousin.
His cousin got married almost 10 years ago because his GF got pregnant. They are absolutely the worst couple in the world - they really don't like each other, they fight all the time about everything. They don't sleep in separate beds, but they lead otherwise completely separate lives. And I guess to each their own - but they have a little girl who witnesses this every single day. She lives a life where her parents fighting and swearing at each other doesn't even phase her anymore. She just turns the TV up. She's 9 years old and her view of relationships is so skewed, so sad. They even joke about it. Her mom told me a few weeks ago that while they were watching a sitcom, the TV dad came home and was loving and the TV mom was loving and all that stuff, and Kylie (DH's cousin's daughter) turned to her mom and laughed "Ha, I wonder what it's like to have a normal family?" And they laughed. Her mom is convinced that she'll be okay because she can identify normal couples (they once had a conversation about how me and DH should be an example of a real loving couple, not DH's cousin and his wife - and all this while Kylie was in kindergarten!).

They won't divorce, but for somewhat opposite reasons than you and your husband - their personalities are too similar in all of the wrong ways. They are both stubborn, selfish, and not willing to "lose." There is so much pent-up anger and resentment in their relationship that every little tiny thing turns into a knock-down drag-out fight, usually in front of their kid.

BUT - they both refuse to go to counseling. Because if one isn't willing to help their marriage, why should the other? It's so frustrating to witness.

I'm not saying you and your hubby are along the same path, and I know that you've talked about holding off on TTC, but I guess I'm just hoping to strongly reinforce that. Kids aren't happier having two parents in the same house if they hate each other. It teaches them the wrong things about relationships. Kids shouldn't grow up that way. They would do better with a happy single mom or single dad, than an always-angry, resentful set of parents in the same house.

I hope you work it all out, I really do hope you can be happy with your husband. But if you can't, you are young, you are strong, and you can be on your own. Your happiness and sanity is what matters. And if having kids is important to you, better to do it on your own someday than with a partner you don't get along with.

So many hugs, Megan. I know this has to be a hard time for you. And I apologize for my rambling. That situation I see with DH's cousin is so real to me, and so sad to me. I hurts my heart to think about it.

 

[Megamegan]

Thank you Marie, I completely understand what you are saying. And you are right. Now my DH knows how I feel 100% and he's trying to be all sweet to me. It doesn't work that way- we are very cyclical with this problem and it always comes back to this point, where he suddenly will do anything to keep me around, despite me just expressing my desire to be released from this relationship. If it were up to me, I would like for us to agree to be apart. But it's so much more complicated because he won't freaking agree. It's so much harder to be the one initiating it. I'm sick of saying we will work on our problems. But our plan is to reevaluate on June 1, after going to some counseling together. The way I feel today is that counseling is pointless and we might as well split up. But of course I feel this way, then he makes me feel comfortable in the relationship again, before you know it I'll be sitting here saying I'm good to TTC again, and then I'll get back to this point in a couple months. Happens every time. I see it happening. I just want it to end.

 

[tuesdaysbaby]

Sorry Megan, sending you the hugest hugs and support from the other side of the world! x

 

[AmySan]

Ohh Megan, I am so so sorry That sounds awful I kindof have a personality where I will hold things in, even if I am angry - I turn everything inwards (kinda explains cutting and suicide attempts, etc)...I will 'go along to get along' more times than not.

But I think that it is good that you at least stand up for yourself. I truly hope some good counseling will help. It doesn't sound like it is the most unhealthy relationship, but at the same time, you don't want to spend your time arguing or fighting all of the time. And I totally hear you on being a homebody - I would rather stay on the couch and watch movies and tv when I am not working than go out and hike or walk or ANYTHING..lol.

My OB told me to stay on my medication, even while TTC, and likely after I am pregnant. I look at my anti depressants differently than I did when i was 14 - back then I did feel like I shouldn't have to take a medication to turn myself into a person I am not. But now it is quite the opposite. I am still the same person, but it fixes the chemical imbalance that causes me to want to hurt myself (and maybe for you, overall being depressed, etc) - I am on Pristiq, which is newer, and I love it - but studies for it during pregnancy are obviously lower. I have been on everything over the years...When i was 14, was on zoloft, then celexa, then wellbutrin, added lithium (until I tried to kill myself with it) , then wellbutrin and remeron, then prozac, then zoloft again, and finally Pristiq - it is an SSNRI, as opposed to SSRI. Anyway, long story long, it might help to be back on it, or talk to your OB about how he/she feels about it. I was dead set during my last pregnancy of being off of it (and did stop taking it the whole time, still miscarried) But now both my OB and psychiatrist say that the risk to the fetus from untreated depression (not JUST suicide, but depression itself) are equally, if not worse, than the risk of being on medication. I assume I will be switched to a diff anti depressant once I am pregnant, but who knows.

I am 28 now, and have a huge fear of missing my chance to have kids....so with my ex (I was 26)...I put up with his constant lying, etc, just because I wanted to have the chance to have a baby...I didn't want to miss my window...as time has gone on, (before and after) I became increasingly concerned about this. And I get nervous with meeting someone who will want me with all of my history and problems...and I have herpes...and right n ow I smoke (quit before I met my ex..his online dating profile said non smoker...and that he was a pediatric surgeon...and single..and athletic...turned out he was a smoker, not a doctor in any way shape or form, married, and weighed about 350 pounds lol. That i cared about the least. And I didn't find it all out right away..except the smoking. But I liked him SO much, that I thought I'd just have a cigarette with him after dinner..which turned into 5, which turned into my smoking by myself...then back to 1/4-1/2 pack a day.

Then I got pregnant, found out he was married, living with her...long story. Horrible. But I quit smoking within a few days..then I saw a tiny spot of blood on TP...nothing more...went to the hospital that night, was 10 weeks, really thought everything was fine since I had just seen baby and heartbeat a week before...was being safe..and wanted to see baby again, lol...but they couldn't find a heartbeat. I wasn't expecting it at all, and had gone to the hospital alone (because turned out he wasn't sober either, like his profile indicated, and was doing meth!) Anyway...when the doctor came in and told me...I was absolutely in shock and the world literally stopped, nothing felt real...was bawling for, well, a week straight...but anyway, after my mom came and we left, I couldn't take it. At the time I had been sober from alcohol for 18 months, so opted to go buy cigarettes over having a glass (or bottle) of wine.

And haven't quit since then. My plan has been to quit when i get pregnant. Mike quit about 5 years ago, so he doesn't really mind...and I don't smoke a ton. But it scares me about finding someone else...without quitting first..because I don't want to be with a smoker...but non smokers don't like smokers...ugh.

Anyway, the point of all of that was...I feel like i am running out of time...I want a happy and healthy relationship more than anything - and I am lucky (assuming we don't break up over what is going on) that Mike and I get along well, and he is such a good guy....but he has his downsides...he gets really stressed, and then will freak out at something little...like one night I wasn't there, he broke his tv by throwing the remote at it, because he couldn't get the channel to change. (it obviously wasn't REALLY because of that) then watching a football game...he punched the window....after finding out my ovulation test wasn't positive, punched the window and closet....and will swear a lot. Not directed at me, but it is scary. I have never had a boyfriend who doesn't do that...get angry....he is the first to never hurt me physically...but it isn't perfect. So I will walk on eggshells and find 'good' times to talk to him, etc...so I don't stress him out more and then he gets angry.

And now with having found he was online talking to other women....I don't know if any relationship is really perfect.

My best friend got pregnant with her boyfriend the first time they had sex...they fought her entire pregnancy...then when they moved into an apartment together, and she had the baby...it was great...but now, they are constantly arguing, haven't had sex in 10 months, before that they hadn't in a year...They love each other but I don't think they are in love anymore.

I have no room to give any sort of relationship advice...but I totally hear what you are saying - having kids while you are in a relationship/married...then if the marriage doesn't last, at least you had your children. Some people may think that is terrible...but I completely get it. My parents were divorced before divorce was this 'popular' and it was a big deal back then..I was 7...But other than the trauma from my parents fighting, and then my dad's abuse when I was with him, it really didn't bother me much.

Whatever decision you make is the right decision for you. And you should add me on facebook if you have it (Amy Stillahn, it shows up as Amy Elizabeth - and anyone else that I am not yet friends with on FB - please add me!)

I will be praying for you

Mary, I am so unbelievably relieved that your brother is doing better!!! And that it isn't contagious!! It sounded so hard to have to wear all of that gear seeing him...I can imagine being the patient and feeling so alone if everyone had to wear protective suits around me But that is so wonderful. Praying his recovery is as fast as possible, and everything turns out ok. Sound really fun and crazy having so many kids with you!! My ex ex (2 boyfriends ago, lol) had 3 kids...all under the age of 5 (boy-girl-boy) when I first was with him...it was fun some days and other days, wanted to pull my hair out, lol.

As far Mike goes - I haven't seen him since last Sunday He had a good appointment with my psychologist..and I have an appt with my psychologist tonight, and Mike set up an appt for Weds night for both of us. He had said he had a lot to think about and process. Apparently, they talked about that he needed to come up with certain conditions, and I will likely have to as well, and it will boil down to if we both agree on them.

I am supposed to see him tonight...was supposed to see him yesterday, but he got a migraine...so hopefully he doesn't back out tonight. He never did that int he past..but this past week, it has been hard to get him to actually agree on any set time/date. And it would have been convenient for me to go over to his place after therapy and wait, because he has to do something for work around 7...but he said he was still not comfortable with that, and that he will give me gas money (waiting for payday lol..health insurance kills me at the end of the month) if need be...so I will go to therapy at 5:30..then go home..then we are supposed to 'meet' somewhere...guessing for a late dinner.

It hurts me and is starting to piss me off a little bit that I have to blindly trust him, that he isn't on these websites still, and it's ok for me to be alone at my house where if I really wanted to hurt or kill myself, that would be the place...but can't be at his house alone now. I did write earlier about it...but more than willing to keep talking baout it, it's all that is on my mind. I am so scared of him putting limits on how often we see each other, or me being alone at his place, or TTC...because we had made so much progress up until this point with him having never really been in a long term relationship, lived with a girlfriend, anything. So. I don't want to take too many steps back...or do that and then waste my time. I don't know He has never even said he loves me...and I know that he cares a lot...but sometimes I feel really pathetic..like this past week. I want him to trust me, and I get he is upset and scared...he said he doesn't trust easily. I trust very easily, despite everything I have been through...but then when someone breaks my trust...it is hard to get it back. So I literally have to blindly trust him when he kindof started this whole thing by being on adult friend finder websites...yeah...the whole situation sucks. I love him and miss him, and think we are perfect together. But this is killing me. I am terrified of how I will feel or what I might do if we break up. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Jess - I am so happy for you!! That sounds like a great time!! And I still am shocked you found a couples massage for SO cheap!! I wish I had looked harder before dropping nearly 300 for ours for valentine's day, lol.


I have to go to my appt now - oh - forgot to say - AF came, on Sunday, just like FF predicted. Ugh

I love you all!! (I wish these were real hugs, too!...I need hugs so bad right now) have a great night ladies!!!!

 

[Megamegan]

Hi everyone Thank you thank you thank you, you're all so amazing. I had a long talk with DH tonight. Once again I ended up feeling good about us, and he had some good ideas for making our relationship better, like getting active together and talking to his work about working fewer hours so he can be home with me for more than an hour each night. That's a big part of our problem. We don't get any time together because he gets home at 9pm. That's enough time to eat and crash. I told him it's not worth it. He agrees. We also agreed that it would be best to put off TTC (I plan to use FAM to avoid pregnancy for now, no need to mess my hormones up by going on BCP) as well as put me back on Wellbutrin. It worked really well while I was ON the BCP, but I haven't tried it while I've been off. One amazing benefit it had for me was that it made me lose weight because it suppressed my appetite. I have been feeling really down about my weight gain so I'm hoping that benefit comes back. We were very open and honest with each other. He's great at talking when he actually opens up. He's a very good communicator. In fact he communicates for a living and he's the best at his job! But when it comes to me, sometimes he forgets how important it is- the reason he works so hard is to provide for our family, but it's just not worth it if you don't give your family enough attention...eventually there won't be a family to provide for. So, we went out to dinner and I genuinely felt happy the whole night. Then we shopped at WalMart for cleaning supplies and that is always fun (we're weird), and now we are going to sleep in our separate rooms. It's fine for me if we sleep separately as long as we spend the rest of the time at home together. Otherwise it feels like we are roommates. But this was our original intent, to only use the separate rooms for sleeping. So anyway, I think we made progress, and we have set in motion the plan for being happier together- first thing we plan to do is go bike riding this weekend for the first time this year. Can't wait.

 

[confuzion]

I am so happy to hear this Megan So glad you're feeling happy in the relationship again. I hope it's a long-term thing . Sounds like you guys are good together as long as the lines of communication are open

 

[MolGold]

Megan, I am so glad your DH is starting to see how this distance effects you and is intent on making it work Its the best news Ive heard all day

Amy, FX it all works out. Remember you're not the only one who has issues. He does too - we all do! What is important is to care enough to iron the issues out. I hope your date goes well Sorry AF came though.. Stay strong, you're a beautiful person!

 

[Wishing1010]

Yay!!! I'm so glad you two made some progress!!!! FX you spend plenty of time together and be happier than ever before too long!

 

[aidensmommy1]

Good Megan! I'm happy u guys made progress. I hope it just keeps getting better for the two of you and FAM would be a perfect method for birth control, then when u are ready to try again, you'll still be caught up with ur O day and LP and all that good stuff. I hope u still come on here tho!!

So I think the vitex just like fixed or made my hormones better just from taking them last month. My temps aren't wacky, they're actually pretty steady. And I dont think I'm going to O for at least a few days. My cervix isn't even high yet and usually it is for at least 2 days before O. Itd be cool if I dont even need the vitex when I start trying again. FX my follicular phase will remain a couple days longer! Oing on CD 9-11 just doesn't seem completely healthy to me. I did accidentally fall asleep with a sweatshirt on but I really dont think my temp gets affected easily so that's good to know. .

Is anyone waiting to test? Are we all NTNP right now?

 

[Wishing1010]

FX you are not going to need any meds to help you get a BFP!!!!

Still NTNP here

 

[aidensmommy1]

Its weird how slow this thread has been moving. Like almost all of us are NTNP or just taking a break so there's no opk, bding, or O talk going on this month lol. Someone needs to come on so we have someone else to cheer for and analyze when we miss b&b and ttc lol. Ive been doing really good tho and stress free (having a baby for 5 days probably helped that a tiny bit lol), all and all, its overall relaxing to take a break I do miss the baby this a.m..alot but I knew I had to give him back lol

My brother is home, hes started doing a little worse when he got home because he was waiting for the Visiting nurse to come and he hasn't had his anti viral meds for an hr or two longer and everytime he doesn't have those meds right on time, he doesn't do good at all. They sent him to my moms house with a pick line and he has to still have the anti viral meds through IV for at least the 21 days from the 1st day he started them. They should have kept him for at least 2 more days to make the full 7 days they originally said but he was bitching about a cigarette even tho he couldn't even remember what they were called, he could not stop talking about "those things" is what he calls them. He opened his gfs pack when she went outside to call me at the hospital 3 nights ago and when she walked in he was sitting near the window waiting to light it LOL he said they wouldn't care and they're ok with him smoking out the window...THE HOSPITAL WINDOWS DONT OPEN! lol that was pretty funny but yeah so they let him out because he asked everyday. But they'll have the visiting nurse going to my moms 3x a day and his gf or my parents can help him with his antiviral meds. The nurse taught them how to insert the syringe and everything else they needed to know last night when she went to my parents. Everything should be just fine, it just kinda frustrated all of us that they let him out before he truly seemed ready. His fevers are horrible still. But he still has progressed on the faster side so that's very good . Figured Id give u all an update on how he is. I'm waiting for someone to call me with a morning update. I dont want to call and wake them. Everyone's so tired!

well I guess I better get some house work done. I just want to sleep all day today! Lol having the baby was like getting used to a new born again but I had to give him back lol ill have one of my own soon enough tho and thankfully dh didn't get scared outa having a baby from having this one for so long haha he was actually SO good with him even when he cried two hrs straight and it was good to see how he handled it . It was like a little practice run for him lol.

 

[Wishing1010]

Well, hopefully all of his symptoms will start clearing up and he will be good to go before too long! And I'm sure you will have a LO before too long, Hun!!! FX FX FX!

I'm going to try to get some BD in a good bit over the next week. I wanted to bd this morn but DH was running late so I have to wait until tonight. I told him that we would do it first thing when I get home from work

 

[MarieMo7]

Megan, glad to hear some happy news from you!
And Mary, you as well! Glad your brother is home...what a relief for his family!

 

[Wishing1010]

Whoa, Marie!!!! 11 weeks tomorrow, eek!!!! So happy you are progressing along nicely

 

[MolGold]

Thats great news Mary And yes I agree with Wishing that you're not too far from your BFP..

Actually I am TTC, infact I am DPO with a dip ( implantation?) for days and a rise today.. I am anxious and hopeful this cycle for a BFP I guess I will know soon whichever it is.

 

[aidensmommy1]

Well, hopefully all of his symptoms will start clearing up and he will be good to go before too long! And I'm sure you will have a LO before too long, Hun!!! FX FX FX!

I'm going to try to get some BD in a good bit over the next week. I wanted to bd this morn but DH was running late so I have to wait until tonight. I told him that we would do it first thing when I get home from work

yeah I'm going to get some bding in the next few days too. Really just because I want it lol but it happens to be my norm fertile period. We couldn't really do it with 3 kids here and then last night I passed our before he even got out of the shower lol but tonight its happening! Haha. Really tho, I need some stress relieved!! This is my third day on the serrapeptase enzyme. I wish I would have started it last month now but oh well, just one extra month that I'll have to wait now. Time will fly by before I know it

 

[aidensmommy1]

Thats great news Mary And yes I agree with Wishing that you're not too far from your BFP..

Actually I am TTC, infact I am DPO with a dip ( implantation?) for days and a rise today.. I am anxious and hopeful this cycle for a BFP I guess I will know soon whichever it is.

good luck! Ur chart is almost straight across this cycle pattern wise. Your temp is definitely being weird and that can always be a good sign when something is so different FX for u!!

 

[Jennuuh]

I believe I'm 8dpoiui today. Still had a very faint line from trigger shot on yesterday's test. Hardly noticeable, but definitely had pink. I'll test once more today to make sure it's out of my system then wait for AF in 6 days. If she shows, we'll move on to IUI #2. =)

Glad everything seems to be going better Megan! Good luck!