Hi girls!
Thank you so much for asking about me. This really is the greatest bunch of women on the web.
I've tried to unplug a little (
tried being the key word!) since Friday to help me manage my tww anxiety. For those of you keeping score, official testing day is next Friday 10/14, but if the past is any indication, I'll know on Wednesday 10/12. I'm having a
reallllly hard time not symptom spotting, mostly because I kinda feel like hell - really crampy (so bad I couldn't sleep last night) and bloated and crazy painful boobs - every single one of which can easily be explained by the trigger (which is still in my system), or my crazy high estrogen, or the progesterone supplementation, so I'm kind of going batty over here.
Still haven't heard back on DH's morphology results from this time, but I expect to today or tomorrow.
I can't remember if I mentioned it last week, but I had some pretty severe anxiety issues that started last Wed morning when I found out I had 4 eggs and really high E2. It got worse throughout the day until I was nearly in a full-blown panic by trigger time. Terrified. Tempted to not trigger (but then realized the eggs would pop out on their own anyway). Tempted to cancel the IUI (until I remembered how much we had already spent on this cycle and I really don't like to waste money). Went through with the IUI wanting it to not work this time (which is just plain nuts) or hoping DH would have a really crappy sample that would negate the outstanding performance of my ovaries this time around. Very seriously questioning whether I wanted kids at all, or if I was even capable of raising a child, and why are we doing this. And truly believing that not wanting kids was the reason for my anxiety. Clearly I was having issues. I was on edge and snappy at DH for days. Then I had a counseling session yesterday morning. (My last session had been before we knew there were 4 eggs.) This saga was the first thing I brought up - I don't think we were even seated yet before my verbal diarrhea started up. My counselor listened patiently, then cocked her head and smiled and said, "So, you saw you had 4 eggs and high E2 and a great SA and you realized this cycle had great potential for success and some hope sprang up and you had to quickly talk yourself out of being hopeful and squash it down as hard as you could because having hope is scary." Ding! Cue the lightbulb over my head!
So since then I've tried to stop myself from fighting the hope, because whether I fight it or not (whether I like it or not!), my brain knows that this cycle has great potential and I'm going to be really disappointed if it doesn't work (and still be terrified of mc if it does). There's just a very fine line between being hopeful and going overboard on the symptom spotting, so my head is still working out that delicate balance.
Long story short - feeling completely nuts over here for the last several days.
Welcome to Ali and Sunny!
I'm glad you found us.
Dwrgi,
. I'm glad you're asking for help. That was the hardest part for me, admitting that trying to work through it on my own wasn't working. Second hardest part was actually taking that first pill once I filled the Rx. I was really nervous that an anti-depressant would change
me, sort of the "who" I am intrinsically. I didn't like the idea of taking a pill to make me feel better - I've been through two bouts of major depression before in my life (once in HS and once in college) and worked through it with the help of counseling and I wanted it to work the same way this time (though after several months of counseling I knew it wasn't improving because no matter what I did, I could not escape or resolve the underlying issue - infertility - causing my depression). Mostly I just felt like a huge failure. I had already failed at pregnancy twice, and now I was failing at the most basic thing there is, being myself.
My dr consulted with my RE before prescribing anything to make extra certain he agreed it was safe (which it is). I'm taking Bupropion XL (brand name over here is Wellbutrin) 450mg/day for depression, and Buspirone (brand name over here is Buspar) 15 mg 3x/day for anxiety. The process of finding the right dosage was frustrating for me because once I decided to take a pill, I wanted it to work immediately, and it didn't. It usually doesn't in most people. But after a few weeks I started to notice things... I didn't feel any different intrinsically at all, which had been one of my biggest fears. But I realized that there had been certain situations recently that I took in stride, and that surprised me because I
know that pre-drugs those same things would have sent me overboard with stress/anxiety/I can't handle this, etc. So I know the drugs are working. They don't stop me from being sad when sad things happen, and they don't dull the enthusiasm or fun of fun things. They just kind of help even out my mood, so the lows aren't quite so low and they pass sooner. And they've improved my emotional stamina for working through treatments - pre-drugs I really felt like a 3rd mc would be the end of me, that I wouldn't be able to continue trying if that happened. But here I am, doing an IUI just a month later. I guess because I don't have to work so hard every single day to just get through the day, I have more reserves left for dealing with the big stuff. (And I didn't even realize how hard I was working to get through every single day until I didn't have to - I just thought how I felt was normal. It was MY normal, but I didn't know it didn't have to be.)
I'm sorry I've rambled. (It's that damned verbal diarrhea!) I tend to take advocacy very strongly, with regards to miscarriage AND depression. I don't want someone else to have to struggle through like I have and think they're the only one who's ever felt that way, that they're all alone. So I talk about both a lot, even irl. I may know someone irl who's struggling with similar issues in private, and if I am willing to talk about it, even if she doesn't respond, she'll hear me and know inside that she's not alone.
Now I've gone on so long I can't remember what I wanted to say to the rest of you!
So I'll just say I love you all and I hope you are having a great day.
We're having spectacular weather here in the midwest - sunny and warm in the day, cool and clear at night - perfect. And the leaves are just about to hit their peak color around here! DH wants to head to a state park this weekend and do some hiking to just soak it all in.
xoxo
to all waiting on their BFPs 
). All in all I had a lovely time except for one woman who still has my blood boiling.... For some reason, everyone under the sun starts every first-time-meeting-you conversation with, "So, do you have any kids?" 
I know you've all been there. Every time it happens I have to decide, do I tell this person or do I just say no and leave it at that? More often than not, I tell them I've had three mcs -most people are able to offer appropriate sympathy and maybe even share their own story. But given the setting today, at a table full of women I've never met before, I decided to just say no. The woman then proceeded to lecture me on how easy I had it and how childless people have no idea how hard life is!!! 
I really wanted to give her a big F*CK YOU and tell her SHE was the one with no idea how hard life is until SHE'S lost three babies, too!! 
I was so angry/hurt I couldn't compose myself enough to respond politely and "educate" her (which would make her feel awkward and therefor hopefully make her shut up), though, so I just held my tongue. I really couldn't even bring myself to look at her for the rest of the lunch because I was so angry.
