Don't think I have much more to add to the last post really, think I felt more relieved than anything yesterday to have a definite answer instead of more waiting around not knowing, but it's hit me harder today. Just had to phone up to cancel my booking appointment which I'm meant to be at in a couple of hours, and explain the reasons why to someone who sounded like they couldn't care less again.
At the scan they told me there are no signs my body is recognising the pregnancy has ended, which fits with me still having all my symptoms.
It's a horrible feeling knowing I'm carrying around my dead baby, and still waking up with morning sickness as if everything should still be ok. So they've recommended I go down the medical management route and opt for the tablets. In some ways I would like this to be over as soon as possible with the d&c, but I don't want to risk them causing any permanent damage, no matter how small the risk is, I have previous bad history with hospital f**k ups. They told me they'd referred me straight to the EPU at my local hospital and I should hear back from them yesterday, but heard nothing so far. Can tell I'm going to end up having to chase them up.
The doctor who did the scan also said I should be able to get further tests/investigations into why this keeps happening now I've had 3 losses, but also pretty much said they probably wouldn't be interested in doing anything as my losses weren't consecutive, as if that makes them any easier to deal with and any less likely to happen again, or easier for me to cope with any future pregnancy or loss.
This is such a horrible situation to be in, I can't believe I'm here again. The knock on effect it seems to have on day to day life really gets me down, this will mean more time off work, more explaining to do when I go back, more weeks of feeling completely lost and empty and upset. Another Christmas announcement ruined, another Christmas to get through making out everything is fine. And still got all my pregnant friends with bigger bumps by the day. The friend who had the same due date as my Aug/Sept loss was going to have DD today while I was at my booking appointment, so I let her know she didn't need to anymore and had to explain why. Now she's doing the same as last time, insisting I go see her, asking if she can take DD for the day etc. I've just lost my baby, the last thing I want is for anyone to take my DD away from me, or to spend the day with someone whose pregnancy is fine who is due their baby when I should've been having mine. I know she is just trying to help but it really gets me down how little people who have been through this can understand. I just want to hide away from everyone and be on my own, another day of me and DD not even getting dressed or opening the curtains. When I was due at the same time as my friend, our babies would've probably been in the same class at school, now they won't even be in the same year if I conceive again. I only wanted a 1-2 year age gap between my kids, now it's going to be at least three already, with just massive doubts at this stage that I'll ever have another baby at all.
I don't think DH knows what to do either, so he just acted like everything was fine, which really upset me. He didn't even ask how I was, then asked what we're doing today as if we'd have a really fun day lined up. So this has the knock on effect of me and DH falling out when we need to stick together. I didn't see him since the scan until this morning, as we ended up having to go straight from the scan to visit my sister in hospital, which was an 8 hour round trip plus the couple of hours we stayed with her, so I didn't get home until DH was already in bed. I think this has really shocked him as he was convinced everything was going to be ok despite me telling him it wasn't. I understand people trying to be positive, but it really annoys me how often I know something is wrong and can't get anyone to listen, especially medical professionals. The person doing the first scan really should've taken notice of me being 100% sure of my dates and given me the extra support I needed then, not tell me I just had my dates wrong and everything was fine, and send me away having to pay out for another scan elsewhere.
Don't know how many times I can keep putting myself through this. The doctor doing the scan yesterday was one of those who insists you should wait a complete cycle and AF before trying again, and actually said it was probably because we didn't wait after my last loss that this one has happened. I'm not particularly happy about that, as DD was conceived straight after a loss and is fine, I don't think she can know it has happened this time due to us not waiting, I've had two losses that weren't straight after others so how can they said this one was caused by not waiting?
Sorry for the rant, just a big mess today, upset, angry, scared and down knowing that it's a particularly crap few weeks ahead, which is just the start of more waiting and not knowing.
