I'm in a tricky situation..

[DaisyDreamer]

Well the longer you leave it the worse it will seem for you friend Im sure you know that. Public place is always a good choice, also with her bf present might be good but it might also be a good idea to tell her one-on-one, but in a public place.

Yes even people in their 20's and 30's would have a really difficult time with this position but it is what it is, right? Not a whole lot you can do about it unfortunately, it's just an ugly thing and everyone goes through them. Very weird relationship, but have you discussed any involvement or are you planning on adopting out?

Glad you are going home to tell your family, I'm glad they have not booted you and seem interested! You are so strong, can't believe you're in 2nd tri already

 

[nadia511]

He and I haven't really discussed anything involving what happened or what's happening. Like I said, we've barely even spoken. But adoption is still on my mind, I've not totally dismissed either that option or the option of raising the baby.

I'm really lucky with how everything is going with my family so far. It's a lot less problems to handle.

I cannot believe it either! It feels like it's going scarily fast.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

I bet it's all so confusing. You will know in your heart which route is the best way to take.

 

[Kiwiberry]

Hopefully you figure it out soon sweetie . It's so hard being in a situation like this. Try and take it easy though and don't stress yourself out too much. It's not good for you or the baby.

 

[skyesmom]

you sound like a real strong level-headed girl and congrats on telling your family and getting their support. Also, considering the whole situation, it sounds like you are dealing with it all pretty well - i think once you sail through the storm of telling your friend, you will gain more clarity on what to do with your baby - as the discomfort of breaking the news will be over and also the relationship to the baby's father will change after that.
I'm also not a big fan of him still being with your friend - it is making the whole situation a lot more complicated. Although you never know what can happen there - she may dump him too before you get to speak to her - but in any case i would let her know as there's no way about going around on when your baby was made.

And kudos for not telling anybody else in your common circle of friends - although there is no way from saving your friend from being hurt, at least you're not adding this part of pain to her.

 

[heatherr]

Hi nadia, I've seen your thread here for a bit but just took the time to read through it today. It really brought back a lot of feelings from when I was pregnant myself. I wasn't in the exact same situation as you, but I was 17 and had lied and done things I shouldn't have. It only makes the situation that much more difficult to deal with, but you seem to be doing such a good job handling everything so far. You should really feel proud of yourself for how well you're dealing with it.

I also struggled with what to do as far as parenting, adoption, etc. The best advice I can give is to take as long as you need to make the decision that you feel is the best one for you and your baby. I felt like I needed to make a decision as quickly as possible and stressed myself out even more because I kept changing my mind over and over again - but that's perfectly okay to do because it is such a major, life changing decision.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

 

[nadia511]

First of all, thanks for all of your inputs and advice, it really does help.

Now for an update.

The father of the baby has broke it off with my friend. But she still doesn't know about what we did, and that I'm pregnant. And of course being her friend, I'm also one of her shoulders to cry on, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach..I know I need to tell her, but especially now I don't know what to do at all. I haven't actually seen any of my friends face to face since looking even remotely pregnant, so none of them other than the one I originally told knows. I guess that's another chore I need to add, but of course, the one friend in particular is the priority.

As for the father and I, we still haven't properly talked about anything really, just a little about him ending things with her, nothing baby related.

Pregnancy is still kind of a breeze for me, I feel great. All of my family, although disappointed, are being as supportive as they can be, and offering their own advice. I still haven't told anyone in my family who the father is. I know that's immature, but I have a lingering fear that if they realise what I did, they'll no longer be supportive and will be disgusted by my actions.

As I'm sure you assume, I am still no wiser on what I actually want to do with the baby. But I've still got plenty of time, and as you said, with such a major decision and each action having a different consequence means I'm constantly going to be battling with them.

My genetic testing scan was fine, well better than fine, everything came back normal which is a huge relief. My DAUGHTER is looking healthy.. Yes, she's a girl!! So although things aren't the best around me, I have the happiness of knowing my little girl is okay.

 

[Laylagirl]

I just read your thread... Yay! On your healthy baby girl! That is so exciting.....
I don't have any advice on anything as you've received lots of great words, but I will offer this.... I don't know what kind of person your friend is, but I would be leery about telling the news about the baby's father on a face to face basis.... In case she reacts angrily and gets physical... I don't know if you owe her that per say.... Her boyfriend obviously didn't want to have to face up to it so he broke it off... But just be careful if you do decide to disclose that information... I hope I'm not sounding negative.. Just cautious...

 

[Andi86]

I understand being in that situation with your friend is hard but honestly not telling her and lying to her isn't going to make it any better. Especially now that she is coming to you for comfort after her boyfriend broke it off with her. She was going to be mad and hurt as it was. Knowing that you hid the pregnancy for this long and acted like her friend during that time, she is going to hurt even more and feel beyond betrayed. I don't mean to be rude and am not trying to put you down...I just think you hiding it from her and your family are for very selfish and immature reasons. All this lying is just making things worse and I have a feeling you will regret it. Also you won't be able to hide it much longer. People are going to notice and school is going to start up again before you know it. Why not get this all out and have a few weeks for things to calm down before school starts and the rumours? Also her ex boyfriend/father of your child sounds like a coward. He doesn't want to tell your friend, so breaking it off with her and not telling her he cheated is his way out. Now it's not his responsiblity and whats it to him of she finds out since they aren't together anymore. He also doesn't sound very supportive to you or this child. By what you have said here about him, I highly doubt he is going to be involved in the babies life....something you should consider when deciding if you're going to keep her or not. Again I'm not trying to be harsh it's just the way I see it . I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

 

[Andi86]

Sorry just feel like i should add to that....
Just put yourself in your friends shoes....would you want to be continuely lied to like this by one of your friends about something that big? I think if you were a true friend to her you should tell her now. She probably won't want to be friends anymore but honestly its better that she knows and once that big thing is off your chest you can focus on that baby and you. It's better she hears it from you then it getting out another way. And like the other poster before me says... don't do it in person. I think a letter or email will be better and tell her to read it alone. That way you get everything you need out and she won't just hear the bad things your saying. She will have time to take it in and calm down. If she wants to talk in person after then that's fine but if it comes to that then I would just listen to her and answer the questions she has honestly.

 

[nadia511]

Honestly..I agree. I know I'm being selfish and immature, I think I may have even already said it myself. It's just so hard actually doing what you know is right compared to thinking how you can do what's right.

It's kinda complicated with the father. He already wasn't feeling the same anymore, hence why he was okay sleeping with me. I think now he just knows he's f*cked up and is trying to deal with it. But I don't know, it's not like feelings are flowing.

Is telling her something like this over a text or something appropriate? I mean, in person the worst she would probably do is slap me, but I don't even think she would. I think she'd probably cry and get as far away from me as she could. And then tell everyone...
How about a phone call? Is that better?

And you know, it's my fault I'm in this mess.. I know that.

 

[skyesmom]

I would avoid the texts as they are very very impersonal, and emails for that matter as well. I would tell her asap, a phone call or a letter, either one could do. If you decide for a phone call, make sure she is in an environment where she can react freely - meaning NOT while she's out doing grocery shopping with her mom, etc.

Do it asap - it is gonna be shitty, proper shitty, but it is just one moment, while so far you've lived with so much procrastinated crap and trust me, its weight is way bigger than that moment of honesty with your friend.

I also don't think anything can actually develop between you and the FOB until that thing is clear with your friend - it is hindering so many things from developing, including your own decisions about the baby.

Your friend's situation in this moment isn't very enviable and sure it hurts to be lied so much to that point BUT - in a couple of year's time, in her life experience, this shall be a story of a bad friend and a bad ex cheating on her, lying to her and getting pregnant as a "reward". She'll keep on being a teen and living a teen life. And new people will come into her life and they will be more important than both you and her ex are to her now. Way more important. Like ie. the man she will have kids with, and her own family and baby.
You guys are in for way more of a life changing experience, regardless of what you decide to do with the baby, and here i refer to both of you. There will be no other first child for both of you, this is your first child, this is that life-changing moment when you become a parent from a non-parent for the first time. The main impact of all this is on you two, in the long haul.

I'm not anyhow justifying your decisions regarding dealing with your friend, nor the fact that your parents still don't know who the FOB is, i'm just putting it into perspective. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but it isn't.

 

[Andi86]

I wouldn't do it by text. I agree if you were to put it in some form of writing a written letter would be most personal. In person is good if you think you can do it. I would just worry you wouldn't get all what you want to say out depending on your friends reaction. Regardless how you tell her she's not going to be happy. She may cry, yell, call you names, slap you, or walk away. It's hard to know how she will react to this. All I can say is although you will feel terrible I think once it's out a big weight will be lifted from your shoulders. And I agree with above. She will eventually get over it. She may never want to be your friend but she will move on from this later in life.

 

[nadia511]

I'll be honest..that really hit hard. For the best though, I think. I never thought about how other than the feeling of betrayal and being massively upset for a little while is all she's going to walk away with from this. But he and I, no matter what I decide, have a child together. And that child will always be there in the world, whether we know her or not, she's our daughter. And it upsets me that we can barely even talk about it. That we're focusing solely on my friend, and what happens with her rather than what happens with us and our baby. If anything is going to happen with us.

 

[Andi86]

Yes exactly. Once your friend knows it will free you so you can use this time before baby to really focus on your life/future and your childs. If the dad wants to be included then that's great but don't rely on him. Give him tge opportunity but needs to step up himself.

 

[nadia511]

Yeah, I know that when the main focus is the baby, things will probably change. I'm just not sure how things will change, and what aspects will change. I mean, with this baby, it's literally a part of me. I didn't want this baby, obviously, but when I saw everything it just made me realise what is growing inside of me. But as for him, he has nothing like that. There aren't even any feelings involved. So I understand why for him, this is kind of nothing and he has no reason to be invested in it. All it is for him is a problem.

Anyway, I know I need to talk to him. For now, about telling my friend the truth. Do you think having this discussion over text is appropriate?

 

[jessmke]

I do not think having this discussion over a text is appropriate. I think you should write her a letter, then tell her in person what has happened and give her the letter. When you tell her in person she likely will not give you the opportunity to say all the things you want to say, so giving her the letter will do that for you. But I really do think you should tell her in person. If you really can't bring yourself to do that then email would be the next best option, pretty much anything except a text. Text is so impersonal and I think would make her even more mad at you.

Good luck! Telling her will be horrible, but you will probably feel quite a lot of relief that this is no longer hanging over your head. I imagine that the difficulty with all this isn't just telling your friend, but also knowing that once you tell her your secret will be out because she will tell other people. It has to come out sometime, you can't hide a pregnancy forever unless you plan to be home schooled in the fall, so t's time to just rip off the bandaid and get it all over with. At least if people find out now they will be used to the idea when you return to school with a baby bump. It would be far more shocking for everyone to find out by you showing up at school visibly pregnant when no one had any idea.

 

[nadia511]

This is my fault, I should of made it clearer. I meant texting the father about needing to talk about telling her.

However, thanks for everything you said anyway. I think a letter maybe is the best option. I'll just go see her, tell her everything is in the letter and if/when she feels like talking she can call me or whatever. But I guess what I do and say depends on how the father wants to go about it with her. I guess he can get away with not saying a single thing to her about it.

And for people finding out at school I guess you're right. But I'm sure when my friend finds out she will spread the word wherever she can. I guess I have both the stigma that's attached to cheating as well as that attached to teenage pregnancy. It's probably going to get tough.

Just something here that I missed in my update. I'm currently 18 weeks so I should be starting to feel things soon right? I can't believe I'm almost half way there.

 

[skyesmom]

I'll be honest..that really hit hard. For the best though, I think. I never thought about how other than the feeling of betrayal and being massively upset for a little while is all she's going to walk away with from this. But he and I, no matter what I decide, have a child together. And that child will always be there in the world, whether we know her or not, she's our daughter. And it upsets me that we can barely even talk about it. That we're focusing solely on my friend, and what happens with her rather than what happens with us and our baby. If anything is going to happen with us.

this is exactly why i wrote what i wrote - not to hit you hard or hurt you, but to put your situation in a different perspective as your fear of telling your friend is paralyzing you and the FOB from focusing on your baby and your relationship. and your baby will become the priority for you both once you get this breaking the news to your friend out of the way.

I think it is OK to text him and tell him that you two need to talk regarding telling your friend. He can't get away with not telling her, nor I think this was really his reason for leaving her. I think he did leave her because you are having his baby and he can't cope with lying and playing a double game. He would need to be a complete sociopath monster not to have ANY remorse, guilt and unease regarding your situation and all three of you. It is easy to judge him for taking this long to leave her, and also easy to judge him for not telling her and feeling it is easier to break up with her and then tell her the truth rather than other way around - but in the end, he is also just a scared teen not knowing what to do and probably having even less psychological support in this than you. He probably didn't tell anybody about you being pregnant and is facing this whole thing all alone inside his head - not an enviable situation - and this will also stay this way until you/you two are done telling her.

Talk to him and see what he says - maybe you could write that letter together and you could hand it out to her in person.

 

[nadia511]

Well, we kinda texted about it. And he's just been awfully blunt. Or at least that's what I think, I can't tell whether I'm just being over-sensitive. But the reality is, although what he did to start all this would make you think otherwise, in general he's actually a decent person. I think he's just struggling to comprehend what is actually going on. He know's what's going to happen to him when people find out, I know that even his closest friends are going to struggle to accept what he did.I think it's easier for him to pretend this isn't happening. And honestly, I wish I didn't have a constant reminder.

I have no idea where my head is at anymore. I'm struggling to decide what the right thing to do is. It just makes me sick knowing that this baby, my own baby, is the result of such a mess. And that's never going to change.

I sound super negative right now. And I'm honestly hoping it's just a mood that will shift. I'm feeling so off right now..