I'm in a tricky situation..

[nadia511]

Thanks everyone.

I know that the whole situation with my friend should be the least of my worries, and the last thing in my mind but its not, as much as I wish it was. The main thing holding me back is the guilt. I find it difficult to forgive myself. I know how sorry I am, and how much I regret everything I did that night, but I still somehow can't get it off my shoulders, even though the secret is now out. I am trying to work towards perceiving myself in a more positive light, and some days it's better than others but I still have my depressing days.

I also remember that I've not yet made a decision. Although I know this would be hard, adoption is still an option to me. And if I go through with that option, I'll be back to how my life used to be, only I've grown slightly. But because of everything, I'm not sure people will be able to easily move past it. Anyway, that's an if situation.

What I've told my parents about the father so far is that I made a stupid mistake with a guy from school. I told them that I initiated it, and I don't expect him to be any part of this. Which technically is all true. It's just the fact that I still did all of this whilst at the same time betraying my friend, which is what should of stopped me. I'm scared they'll be even more disappointed in me.

 

[EverythingXd]

What I've told my parents about the father so far is that I made a stupid mistake with a guy from school. I told them that I initiated it, and I don't expect him to be any part of this. Which technically is all true. It's just the fact that I still did all of this whilst at the same time betraying my friend, which is what should of stopped me. I'm scared they'll be even more disappointed in me.

Oh good, you have told them a fair bit then.

Hun, you really need to give yourself a break! Yes it's not great that you went with your friend's boyfriend but when there's alcohol involved, a lot of people make a lot of bad choices! I remember reading agony aunt columns and laughing at how many of the stories included "we had too much wine, one thing led to another..." You have just succumbed to this sort of temptation at a very young age, and with big consequences. You didn't do anything with malice and you are clearly regretful. Please try to move on from this guilt.

 

[xforuiholdonx]

Do not let the guilt of how this happened over shadow the joy in this. This little baby will be born into this world sooner rather then later, and youll look at her and thank god for giving her to you. She will be so little.. so precious and will look at you in such wonder. Ignore what people will say, and focus on this tiny life. Regardless of what you decide to do(adoption vs keeping), she will change your ENTIRE world.
I gave birth to our daughter the day before my 18th birthday, and she rocked our world. Id already graduated highschool at that point, but still. The long nights and what changes in our life was so beyond worth it for her. She started first grade today. Time passes so quickly one they are here!

 

[Andi86]

also remember that I've not yet made a decision. Although I know this would be hard, adoption is still an option to me. And if I go through with that option, I'll be back to how my life used to be, only I've grown slightly.

Adoption is a great idea if that's what you're wanting to do. But if you're considering this it's something you should start looking into. As you may want to meet with some agencies and pick the right parents for your child. Also talk about whether you want open or closed adoption, ect. if you're truly considering this you need to know it's the right choice first cause before you know it Jan will he here and that's not something you want to decide last min.

I also want to point out something regarding your view on adoption...it's not going to be easy and way harder then you can imagine. Your life whether you keep the baby or not, is changed forever. It will not be the same. It will never go back to the way it was. She will forever be on your mind for the rest of your life. You will always wonder what she's doing, what she looks like, if she's ok, how tall she is, does she know about you, what does she think of you, will she want to meet you one day, how smart she is, how long her hair is, ect. Everytime you see another kid around her age you will wonder if she's doing the same things. Especially if it's a closed adoption . But don't be mistaken by open adoptions either...you may get updates but won't always be there and have no say in her life as that's her parents right. Your daughters birthday and holidays will be very difficult.

You will understand all this when you have her. That connection you have with your child is like no other. She is in your heart forever and the day you have her you will truly understand that. It's there immediately. It will be the hardest decision of your life and you can't change your mind once it's done. Hats off to anyone who can give a child up. Honestly I think it's the most unselfish thing you can do. I think it's a much harder thing to do then raise them yourself. No matter what you choose it will be hard. You will have good days and bad. Don't let anyone sway you one way or the other. I just think you really need to uderstand how it will truly effect your life. It's not the easy way out.

 

[mara16jade]

Pretty much this ^^^

 

[Kiwiberry]

I agree 100%, these ladies said it all.

 

[nadia511]

Oh believe me, I don't think in any way at all that adoption is an escape route. The whole thought of growing this little girl inside me for 9 months just to not see her grow and evolve into a woman. But as you said, adoption is the most selfless thing. I would be upset at the fact she's not here with me, and I don't know her, and she doesn't know me but when I think about the life she's been given by her parents it will make me feel better, and I won't hold any guilt upon myself for that. Well at least that's what I would have hoped, I'm sure th outcome would actually involve a lot more depression and probably regret.

Whilst considering adoption, I'm currently thinking that maybe closed would be the best. But I'm not sure, as I wasn't adopted, what I'd rather know. I know with open adoption she'd understand as she got older, but wouldn't the whole situation be confusing for a little girl? I also think that I'll feel like she's more my daughter than she is in an open adoption, and I'll be full of even more regret seeing who she grows into and knowing that I could be enjoying all of those days with her rather than once a year. I know I should start looking for adoptive parents and talking to agencies and such, but I'm still unsure whether adoption is what I want for her. It's all so difficult and confusing. I'm determining a humans future with this decision.

I don't know whether or not I should try talking to the father about this. I mean, will he care what happens in the end? Does he have the right to know what's happening? I'm sure he does, but I'm still unsure whether he deserves to have a say.

 

[mara16jade]

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into adoption. Have you thought about what qualities you'd want for the adoptive parents? What do your parents think?

It's amazing how much thought you're putting into all this. I hope you have all the support you want/need.

 

[Andi86]

Yes I think the father has a right to know you're considering adoption. It is his child too. It might even make him step up more if that's not something he wants. Honestly it doesn't sound like you've included him much in the pregnancy as in inviting him to appointments or keeping him updated on things. He probably doesn't know what to do, how to involve himself. He's immature, you aren't together, you were keeping him a secret and still kinda are because of your friend. It's probably awkward for him (as well as you) so he's just stepping back. Not saying its your fault at all. You're both young and dont know how to deal with this situation. That's why we aren't meant to have babies this young. He hasn't been given a chance yet to really be around. You guys really need to have a good conversation about everything. Get it all out there what your thinking for options. What you want from him or don't want. Also what he wants and how evolved he's planning to be.

As for the adoption...it doesn't hurt to talk to agencies just to get some information. They may even have a program in place so you can talk to other ladies who have chose that route.
Might help to make the decision. Do your parents know you're considering this?

 

[xforuiholdonx]

If you go the adoption route, the father also needs to sign the paperwork and agree to it, so yes, you need to speak with him about your thoughts.

 

[Amygdala]

I'm not saying this to sway you either way, but you sound like you'd be an awesome mum.

 

[Tropiclands]

As has already been suggested, you do need to tell your parents. You also need to tell him, as this decision is going to impact his life also. I am assuming him and the person he is with are around your age also, so you unfortunately shouldn't be surprised if some bullying and attempts to absolve him of responsibility come your way. I'd also urge you to pray for direction through this situation.

 

[nadia511]

My parents have known all along that I've been considering adoption, and they don't have any issues whatsoever and are actually glad I'm thinking through both options rather than the initial obvious. When it comes to keeping her, they're supportive of it, but I think they're mainly worried about my life, and they don't want to see me be held back and go through all of these things too young. Despite that, they're still excited for the baby to come.

I have thought about the kind of parents I would like her to have. I'd probably look for people similar to myself. I want her to have a comfortable relationship with her parents, so I'd want them to be mature and responsible of course, but also laid back. As for parents, to me if they're the right people, either hetero or same sex, I'm not the kind of person to have issues with that.

As for the father, I admit I haven't made much of an effort for him to be involved. But from what I have put effort into, I sense that this is more of a mutual preference. I think that if I decide to keep the baby, he'll be around, but not around if you know what I mean. But all of that is assuming, I know that I need to talk to him to understand his actual feelings. But since, I'm not fully sure what I want to do yet, I don't want to mess him around too much.

 

[Tropiclands]

Well I'm glad that you responded, as I have some to add. No matter what they say, remember that this is not your responsibility to go through this alone just because the baby is growing inside you. If you want to talk more, please let me know or pm me. Thanks.

 

[mara16jade]

Maybe I forgot, but did you mention if you've talked to the father of the baby about what to do? Raise the baby or find an adoptive family? Does he have much of an opinion, or does he not care? Had he told his parents yet?

Hope you're doing ok. Half way point!

 

[DaisyDreamer]

 

[nadia511]

I know it sounds ridiculous because I'm over halfway there but we still haven't properly spoken about what's going to happen. Either way no, I'm not sure he has much of an opinion, but I don't know. As far as I know his parents don't know.

But something happened between us..if you know what I mean. And it's really thrown me off.

 

[Kiwiberry]

What happened between you two? i'm sorry to sound like your mom or something sweetie but you really need to get on the move. You need to talk to the father of the baby about the options and to decide what to do. I know your young and you only think about the present (that's how all teens are) but you are going to have a baby and it's time you start thinking about the future and stop worrying about what other people think say or do. This baby is the most important thing in your life now.

 

[LittleLala]

What happened between you two?

 

[nadia511]

He and I were at my place to talk about things. But then we got onto doing other things. So basically, we had sex. I think we both did it to distract ourselves from what we had to talk about.