Rainbow Makers - WTTAL, NTNPAL, TTCAL & PAL friends

[Jox]

Its awful coz this obem shows prem babies in scbu... id have given anything to b there instead i hate that each of us have to live with this crap each day.

Tasha, has ur dad changed his mind about thursday? I hope so. I still cant believe theyve opened the grave 2 days b4 what time is riley raes service?

Xxx

 

[Tasha]

I know hun, I wish I had the words for you.

Yes he has, I forgot to tell you. I think truth be told he was scared and not thinking straight, didnt even tell him how I was feeling, just came to it himself, which I am glad about cos part of me wanted to force him there but the other part didnt want someone at something so private if they didnt wanna be there, does that make sense?

It is at 10.30am.

 

[Jox]

Yes that makes sense, so 'pleased' he's going to be there for riley and u

How u feeling on the ttc front? when do u think ull test if af stays away?

The shit realisation hits sometimes doesn't it

Xxx

 

[Tasha]

It is just so scary. I think I will test in a couple of weeks. TBH we are not having sex often enough to concieve. What about you, and the WTT and then the thought of TTC?

It really does, I am here for you Jo.

 

[mummymarsh]

morning ladies x

Tasha i love the sound of your brooch, sounds beautiful.. take a picture..... i hope tomorrow iss kind to you and i will be thinking of you... what does the opening of the resting place mean??? does the mean where they have dug riley-Raes spot??

SJ - Diid the husband get some sexyh time then last night

jox - after i last Charlie i had to stop watching OBEM even though i feel really good now i couldnt bring myself to watch it incase i regress i dont think i will ever watch it again in fact and i used to be addicted to it.....

Hannah - i told them about the quotes online (even tesco their own company couldnt match their online price) crazy..

AFM- notthing much to tell.... im due on in 2 days... still waiting for follow up on 7th june......can feel my period preparing as i got 2 huge spots, im getting thrush back with a vegence plus im coming down with a stinking cold.. my nose is like a tap thats bit left on, my throat feels tight and swollen and it kills my chest too cough... well thats me drowining in my self pity

xxxxxxxxx

 

[Tasha]

Yes, they have dug Riley Rae's spot but because it is where Honey is and my sister, it shocked me that they would do it yesterday because it leaves their grave (and in my eyes them) really exposed.

Their is a picture of it on fb hun, but it doesnt look as pretty so will take it with a camera in a bit rather than my phone.

They could all be pregnant symptoms too MM, fingers crossed you get the answer you want. Not long til your follow up now, are your nervous. Mine is over a month away, so doesnt feel real yet but I will feel sick about it.

I cant believe Riley's funeral is tomorrow, when they gave us the date on the 5th it seemed so far away and now it is tomorrow. I am scared girls, I cant believe I am doing this for a second time

 

[Jox]

MM - sorry ur feeling so crap one series of obem started just after i lost kasper, i still watched a couple of episodes (god knows how) then i was pg again so tried to focus on that

Tasha - I excited at the thought off ttc (not particulary the sex tho. ) and excited at the thought of a new baby but petrified to b preg sometimes the shear fear creeps back & i remember how hard it was iykwim?

Docs this morning about my knee! Gonna make sure my consultant wrote to them about the aspirin & blood thinning injections for when i(hopefully) get my bfp! Get Leo weighed this afternoon then at the mils for tea... the joy!

Tasha - how many times u dtd? i know u know but it only takes once! with Leo we dtd 3 times. On day 21, 24 & 28 after kaspers birth and conceived. Only dtd once the month kasper was conceived!!

Lots of love & floaty kisses xxx

 

[Jox]

Aww tasha when ive thought about having a 2nd loss ive always thought that maybe its harder? Reason being because there is a fear too because u know whats coming iykwim? with honey it was sort of going with the flow but with riley Rae u know whats coming & what pain is coming I hope that makes sense. i wish we could do something, i really do

Will u go to honey today or r u trying to stay away for today iykwim?

Lots of love tasha x

 

[Tasha]

Yes that is how I feel, so scared of being pregnant.

Do you have a sore knee? I hope the consultant has written, when did you see the consultant last?

Four times now we have dtd, just really not into it, but I figure it doesnt matter too much this month, I havent even had AF yet, so what will be will be.

Yes, a second loss is harder in some ways. Part of that, is the fact I feel so alone, I mean I felt alone with Honey but I found SANDS forum and met wonderful people and felt less alone, it was sort of a comfort (not that I wanted anyone to be going through it but I hope ykwim?) that 11 other women a day were going through the same thing, I wasnt alone, but this time I only know a tiny amount of people with two or more loses, and well none of them have had two stillbirths, so it feels like I am the only one in the world, which is good but sad too. The chances of two still births are 0.01%.

You know I think more than anything it is because I know this pain is for life, and it can be an extreme and intense as day one even four years down the line. When I had Honey, everyone (apart from angel parents) said it gets easier/better with time, time heals and all those stupid cliches, and I believed them, partly because I wanted to and partly because everyone said it, so it must be true, but this time I know that isnt true, and that is scary. I want to feel better.

I wont go today, I know I wont want to leave, but I will have to.

Sorry for the ramble.

Oh and do you get on with the MIL?

 

[mummymarsh]

tasha - a second loss must be awful i just cant imagine it

so is riley on top oh honey and your sister?? when you mean exposed do yoou mean you can see there coffins???? sorry for horridd questions.. you dont have to answer.....

xxxxxx

 

[Tasha]

Yes, she is sharing with them. My parents got a family grave for Maria (my sister) because there isnt baby graves in our cemetery, and they thought maybe one day they would be buried with my sister. When Honey was born sleeping I asked my parents could she be buried with my sister because her being with my sister comforted me (even though I know they are not there as such), they agreed, and now that Riley Rae has been born sleeping I feel it is right she is with her big sister.

You cant see their coffins, as there is a gap between each one, so there is still some ground between them, but just feel they are exposed cos they obviously still dig quite deep.

Hope that all makes sense?

 

[hannpin]

Tasha, I have no words for you hun. I cannot imagaine what you are going through. But I am a true beliver that these things happen for a reason, and I do not know what the reason is (I wish I did) but i think one day we will know.

These things happen because we are strong enough to deal with them, yes it will take time, and perhaps at times we feel we wont get through this we will. Your two girls, and all of our angels, were far to precious for this earth, and are needed else where xxxxx

I hope these next few days are kind on you hun xxxxx

 

[Tasha]

Thank you Hannah. How are you today?

 

[Jox]

I wish u wasn't that 0.01% i also dont think time heals thats what i mean about u know whats to come, u know it wont b easier in 1, 2 or 4 years iykwim?

Doc said i could of damaged cartlidge (sp?) And to give it abit of a rest and if its not better to go back in 4 wks and he'll refer me for physio!

I saw the consultant in march to discuss what the plan would b for a future pregnancy. He has written. to the doc so they r aware of the aspirin & injections. I saw the letter & it actually says he'll start scanning from 25 wks which is good coz they usually say 28 which i think 20 to 28 is too much! so that's good to know!

Xxx

 

[Mellybelle]

Tasha - I sometimes wonder how we cope at all. You are very strong. Its unfair that you should have to be so strong.

 

[mummymarsh]

Charlies funeral brought our families together which was nice (under he circumstances0 our families are aall over the place and they all travelled to us for the funeral and came to the little wake after so it was nice that Charlie did that for us

i also take comfort in fact that lilly pinched one of his teddies off his grave and its now called charlie bear and she carries him EVERYWHERE.....

no one should have to go through that once let alone twice you are very Brave, try and smile and be hapy for your precious riley Rae, she has her biig sister to go cause mischief with
xxxxx

 

[hannpin]

Cringe moment of the day.... I am working out of a different office today as I am coveing someone who is off sick. This office is where the h&s dept is based. The lovely lady who does pregnancy risk assessments just came in to update my risk assessment as it should have been done a few weeks ago when I was off work.

I felt so sorry for her, and we both had a little cry when I told her what had happened. You would have thought HR would have bloody told her tho!!!

Hoep you all ok xxx

 

[Tasha]

Jo, yes ikwym. Ouch, I hope it gets better soon. That is fab, and I totally agree that 20-28 weeks is too long, you know I had that argument with my healthcare providers, and I am so glad I did because she had only grown her wings the day before, wheras if I had only had a scan at 28 weeks, we would only be finding out today, as my scan was meant to be today (29+1).

Melly, I dont know either

MM, that sounds lovely for Charlie. So nice that Lilly has a teddy that she associates with Charlie, Morgan did exactly the same thing with a teddy from Honey's flowers etc. This time an angel Mummy friend send four little teddies to me, one each for Morgan, Naomi-Mae and Kaysie Blossom and one to go with Riley Rae, so they all have the same teddy

 

[Tasha]

Oh Hannah, they should of told her, that was unfair on both of you

 

[Mellybelle]

Hannah, thats awful. Glad she was understanding and had a cry with you.