Omg!! Congrats to the BFPs!!!! 9 years that is unbelievable!! Congrats to you both!! So happy for you!!!!
Jess, my experience with painkillers (which i have way too much unfortunately) is constipation is always so common, then it does go from being so contipated to just crazy diarrhea and weirdness...opiates slow everything down, but then when you either get off of them or your body kindof adjusts, everything is totally messed up for a while!

I hope you don't have anything serious and it is just related to that
I have had a horrible weekend

Was supposed to have a sleepover at Mike's on Saturday....well, around 4pm on Saturday he sent me a really long text saying that he couldn't do it any more...and felt responsible for everything I had been through the past few months, being int he hospital 4 times, etc...and he is so traumatized by everything he needs to process the last few months before he 'can be anything to anyone' - I was completely devastated, crying and having a panic attack, wailing, it was awful

My brother and his fiancee (who used to be my best friend, but she lives with us) helped calm me down a bit, and then my brother called Mike (I called him immediately after getting the text and basically said no, you are not doing this over text message or the phone and I am coming over to talk at 7)
Jim, my brother, called him about 30 minutes after I talked to him to explain some things, and tell him from what he has seen, Mike has been the best thing in my life, and that all of these things that have happened are a result of my past and no coping skills, etc....
So then I went to Mike's (he fucking changed his locks while i was in the hospital...I don't remember if I mentioned I had keys made for us)

but he felt like he needed to do that because he didn't know if I would give him the key back. That really fucking hurt.
Anyway, we talked for about 2 and a half hours, and came to the agreement that we would both get help, he is going to see a psychologist of him own, and I will start DBT therapy and possibly get a new psychologist. We are going to keep trying, but almost like start over...We agreed to get together twice a week for dinner and maybe more...I am relieved that this is the case. I am so sad that things aren't just going to go back to normal...but I truly love him and feel terrible for everything that has happened.
In the back of my mind, I don't know if I should try to become less attached or start looking for someone else. I know that sounds terrible. I do not cope with breakups well, but Mike is literally the best, most normal, stable, nicest guy I have ever been with.
We haven't had sex in 1 month today. It feels like an effing eternity. He also feels bad that he just can't right now, he said he barely can 'have sex with himself' - so it won't be happening any time soon...or any baby making either.
I feel so alone

Friday night, I did something I regret immensely. My brother had some friends over, and there was a guy there that (I know, this is horrible) got out of prison recently. I never ever in a million years would have any interest in someone like that. Somehow my inhibitions went out the window, and he was extremely persistent about how he wanted to go down on me. I have no idea how I let it happen. But I did. I didn't do anything else, but I can't believe I let him do that

It has been so hard not feeling close to someone for so long. The whole situation makes me want to throw up

Of course I didn't say anything to Mike, because it would just hurt him. In the back of my mind I wanted to get back at him for the things he did online. But after he got caught, he has been so honest and sorry about it. I feel like a horrible person, and am so ashamed
All I can do at this point is just get help and let him get help and see if we can make things work. I want it to work so so much. But I am also having feeling like, it took so long to make the progress that we had...and get him used to not being alone all of the time..that we have gone backwards so much. I don't know.
And of course Mother's day was horrid

I can't miss a single day of work for the next 7 months now. Have gone through ALL of my PTO for medical reasons. plus a day over. Had a meeting with my bosses on Friday. They don't want to lose me, but wanted to make sure I thought that I could do it. I was so scared Saturday that I wouldn't be able to work, because I was so distraught...I don't know what will happen.
Praying that the DBT therapy helps, and everything turns out ok. At this point it doesn't look like I will even have the chance to get pregnant for months if not years. Which should be the least of my concerns, but I know you ladies are the only ones who will understand what I mean.

more than anything I want to have a child with Mike, who I love, and know will be a great father. And at the same time, I am worried that I will miss my window, and never have the chance to be a mom.
Sorry for the book. I love you girls so much

I don't know what I would do without all of you
