Sticking Together Until We All Get BFP's!!!!

[aidensmommy1]

Thank you Wishing and confuzion. Confuzion your post made me tear up because I know deep down, that is true. That it is possible to be happier. I am mostly so upset because I HAVE invested so much in him and I've known for a very long time that we don't understand each other and we are so different that fighting is inevitable. We do love each other, which I think is why we've held on this long. I really want to find happiness with HIM because that's where I'm at now. Moving on would really uproot my life and I don't think my fragility can handle it (in fact, I've tried several times to leave him before we got married, and I come back every time because I'm too weak). I'm constantly suffering from anxiety and depression and although I have a lot of supportive coworkers and a therapist who know my struggles, I'm really not armed with enough strength to get through a breakup and especially not a divorce. I also think I tend to turn towards breaking up instead of staying together, but that doesn't necessarily mean I SHOULD do that, it just means it's the only thing my eyes can see. I sometimes think I'm driving him away because he will say "get out of my life" or "just disappear" or something similar, but in reality he's just being dramatic and he doesn't mean a word he says. You can see how that's pretty upsetting. I know most people don't talk to each other like that. We are so mean to each other. As for spending time apart, I just got home from a week out of town, so part of this is probably us getting used to each other again. I am just in a low place today, I'm sure I'll feel better later. I think I cause a lot of this myself, but then I think he's just making me think I'm the one causing it. Relationships are SO HARD!!! Ugh. It hurts my brain to try to figure it out. I'm sorry to be airing this out here, but I feel like I have no one else to talk to, especially since I'm married and I don't want people knowing my business.

I just saw this part . I just hope it works out the best for YOU. I'm always here hun

 

[tuesdaysbaby]

Hey Megan, I think it's important to talk about it - and don't feel like you shouldn't because it's better, I think, to be able to vent, and share and get support from people.

DH and I can argue, but it's not really fighting per se. If we do, it is mostly (ok pretty much always) ME that starts the fight and it's normally over something I consider to be really important at the time… and then later on come to the realisation it really isn't.

DH grew up in a family with no raised voices and no arguing. My parents are divorced and I had, at times, a really tough childhood and my family are what you might consider passionate, haha… We will argue, and throw words around and then a day or two later, all is resolved and we move on. Admittedly I haven't had a fight with anyone in my family for forever… but that was how it was when I was younger.

I also have an acid tongue and can say really really mean things. I say it because I know I'll get a reaction and because I still want him to love me even if I am horrendous.

DH and I love each other so much & I know I've found the most supportive, the kindest, and the most generous man there is out there. That being said: there are times when I am infuriated and upset. But those times pass.

Do you think it is the stress of TTC? I'm not saying you are stressed, just that perhaps that can be impacting on the relationship? I do think that time apart is good for couples too! It's not always about being together 24/7 but having your own time and space.

If you think you would be happier leaving him and moving on - don't let your age stop you. I am the same age as you and really, we're the young ones! We aren't old. I sometimes feel that way, but in reality, you have many good years ahead before you have to truly worry xxxx

Hugs.

 

[Megamegan]

Wow thank you all so much, I didn't expect such a lengthy response from everyone and it means a lot that you are so thoughtful. Well, a lot of you suggested TTC stress might be the cause of it, but actually that's not the case. We have fought like this since we started dating. He says I exaggerate and it's not ALL the time, but it's pretty frequently, like a few times per week, and the only time we don't fight or have tension is when I'm totally sucking it up and trying my best to just deal with him. That's the truth right there. We have already started marriage counseling and I go to counseling on my own about once a week. Marriage counseling works well for us but I know it will never resolve our core issues because our personalities clash so badly. I stopped taking Wellbutrin when I started TTC and that has changed how I handle depression slightly, but, I also don't think I should need to be medicated in order to get along with my husband on a daily basis. We look and act like a couple that has been married for 20 years and who can't stand each other anymore. We rarely just enjoy each other for who we are. I've tried so many times to explain this to him. We have talked extensively on the subject. Yet for some reason I keep just accepting our relationship for what it is, assuming we will end up having more good days than bad, and moving on. Just now, we went out and tried to spend time together, and he ended up dropping me off at home because we weren't agreeing on anything. Part of it is my fault because I would rather relax at home on a day off like this. I'm a homebody. But it's upsetting to me that we are so different and he would rather go drive around aimlessly and do something spontaneous. Anyway, the list could go on forever about how different we are. The biggest issue with leaving at this point is that my mom paid 30k for our wedding in November and she is highly against divorce. Together we make enough money that we could pay her back if I had about a year to save up, but I doubt he would agree to use his money for that. My therapist told me, give it a real shot for another 6 months before bailing. So that's why I'm doing the marriage counseling. And now I'm just thinking I should stop TTC altogether and maybe even go back on my Wellbutrin to try to gain some confidence again should I end up leaving (or just feel happier if I end up staying). I hate that it comes to this point, but it does, and it's not the first time. We had a rough time in February also.

Thanks for listening you guys. This might end up being a nightmare chapter in the story of my life. I don't think I can go the rest of my life feeling this shitty. Everyone else will have to deal with it. Including my mom, who at this point I just can't imagine upsetting any more. She has had enough stress in her life, losing my dad 5 years ago, and dealing with all my drama (hasn't been THAT bad but she makes me feel that way). I know first and foremost I should not have a baby right now. Mary I agree with you there. I know I do have many years ahead of me and I think maybe this is all happening for a reason.

 

[confuzion]

. I hope you still come on here and vent out whatever you need to even if you're not TTC. I see you're doing all you can for now. There's nothing you can do but wait it out and hope the rough times pass quickly. Do whatever you need to do to be happy.

 

[Wishing1010]

Many headed your way Megan. Just try your best to make it work, but if you can't, it's no one else's problem. You need to do what's best for you!!! Other people can just get over it!

 

[Megamegan]

Thanks. I wish I had real hugs lol. I can't even get a good hug out of DH, he pushes me away every time. I guess he doesn't like to feel crowded. WHO doesn't want hugs?!!! Lol. Whatever. I know he is stressed from work and I am just exhausted from thinking about all of this. That's what always happens, I just get tired and my brain hurts and I give up. I know if I really wanted to leave, it would be so ridiculously painful and difficult and I seriously am just not ready for that. So I'm going on with life for now. What a crappy day. Thanks again everybody.

 

[Jrepp]

I feel bad posting this after the craptastic time everyone is having, but I wanted to share some good (and not so good news). I'll do the badish news first to get it out of the way.

Hubby and I were romantic if you know what I mean for the first time in like 2 months. Penetration is still a no-no, so we were doing the external only stuff. Well, hubby brought be to the big O but it was quickly cut short by unbelievable pain. Guess it was still a bit too early! I'm now laying with the heating pad on my belly because of it which isn't helping out.

Onto the good news. I took 2 more days off of work! When I go back, I am going to speak to the current and hopefully the new principal about shifting para positions since I know two gen ed para positions opened up recently. I love my current job, but hopefully with a quick conception I will need to be away from the physicality and stress of the job I am currently in. Even if it's a pay cut I think I would be happier if I couldn't get a full time teacher job. Secondly, our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up in 42 days. We booked a room at a hotel right across from th butterfly pavilion where we got married. We are going to go back to the butterfly pavilion for a visit and hopefully have a few moments outdoors where we actually tied the knot. I also found an amazon local deal for a couples massage a few blocks away for $69 total! I'm stoked! I'm thinking a romantic breakfast in bed as well.....and a fancy dinner before surrounding ourselves in luxury.

Last of all, I was nominated for an award on my blog. I never thought anyone would actually read it, let alone like it enough for an award. If you haven't checked it out or subscribed it's a really candid look into our fertility journey. I literally hold nothing back.

I'm sorry so many of us are having a difficult time. Let's get this party bus turned back around!!

 

[Megamegan]

Jessica, happy news is MOST welcome! Sounds like you just need a litttttle longer of a break before frisky-time, but the other stuff is good to hear Congrats on your nomination! And that sounds lovely for your wedding anniversary.

 

[tuesdaysbaby]

Megan, I will miss you around here and I hope that you do come back and visit and share with us how you are going - I wish for you a lot of happiness! xxixx

 

[Jennuuh]

Megan - I apologize for the long post. I was in a bit of a similar relationship before DH - Of course, I was only 15 at the time, but I've seen plenty of bad relationships my mom had went through. He would yell at me, tell me I was stupid, and worst of all, he would spit on me at times. Of course your husband isn't spitting on you or anything, but arguments and constant arguing at that, make you feel like you're doing something wrong and its all your fault, etc.

When DH finally entered the picture after two years of flirting with him (its a good story), I didn't even cut ties and I left and I never looked back. I feel bad now that I'm older that I basically left him cold turkey and never even told him we were done. I guess its cause I'm older now, I realize he was young and didn't know what he was doing either. Still, doesn't give anyone the right to bully and spit on someone.

Anyway, sorry for rambling - Communication is a must in a relationship, and you guys are obviously having a huge issue relating to each other. I hope the counseling helps if you want it too. Don't be ashamed or afraid to admit that you may or may not want the relationship to be over, or to get better. You have one life to live, and there's no reason to be miserable if you can prevent it.

There's a quote I used to tell my sister when she was going through a really hard point in her last relationship about two years ago. They had a child and she did everything she could to make it work but he was so rude and there were multiple times she would ask me to come over because she knew he wouldn't talk to her like usual if someone was there. And he knew not to mess with her younger sister. I'd lose my life defending my family, no matter the situation and he was well aware. I have a mouth like a sailor, and the adrenaline to back it up. But she would tell me she loved him, and she would always love him and if she still loved him, she needed to make it work no matter what - And I would tell her that's fine, and that's great commitment on her part.

But I would tell her that some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.

She IS now out of that relationship because of terrible circumstances that I hope he is out getting help somewhere for, but she's happy. I have my sister back, and I couldn't be happier either.

 

[Megamegan]

Jenna, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been in many bad relationships before this one, and things were definitely hard as a younger person but still it was easier to walk away from a bad relationship when I was not married. This one is so strange. I cannot figure it out. I've always said I feel like it will take an extreme circumstance to break us up. But nothing ever happened and here I am just dealing with the constant fighting, constant misunderstanding. What's even harder is that HE doesn't see it that way... he thinks we occasionally have an argument but it's not a big deal. In my mind, I'm always struggling to enjoy my time with him, always trying to make him happy while also allowing myself to be happy. It would be easier if he saw it that way too. We just sat down and talked about the dream home we (he) wants and it just made me feel like, why? I don't even want that much. I just want happiness. I'll rent forever as long as I am with the person I want to be with. I kept telling him "none of this means anything until you start being nice to me" but he was in a goofy mood and never quieted down to have a serious talk at any point today. Times like these make me feel like I will never leave him because I do not want to crush his dreams and ruin his life. I know that is wrong- I understand what the right and wrong reasons are for staying with someone- yet it doesn't matter. My desire to keep the peace is strong.

 

[aidensmommy1]

Thanks. I wish I had real hugs lol. I can't even get a good hug out of DH, he pushes me away every time. I guess he doesn't like to feel crowded. WHO doesn't want hugs?!!! Lol. Whatever. I know he is stressed from work and I am just exhausted from thinking about all of this. That's what always happens, I just get tired and my brain hurts and I give up. I know if I really wanted to leave, it would be so ridiculously painful and difficult and I seriously am just not ready for that. So I'm going on with life for now. What a crappy day. Thanks again everybody.

I wish we could give each other real hugs during these hard times too, and the happy ones lol
Megan, I understand u wanting to at least try even without being happy. I do agree with u that maybe u should take a break on ttc until you figure out exactly what you want/need. With my ex husband, I too did couples counseling and I did my own counseling and I stayed for 7 months before I finally worked up the courage to do it. I really wish I would have done it sooner because MY marriage just wasn't good at all with him and it got to the point where even aiden was telling people that I was always crying and being yelled at and stuff like that. He was 4...idk that's just sad to me that he noticed that so young. It was a mistake. I did love him at one point, I just stayed with him way longer then the love really lasted. You'll know what's right for you Megan. It may take more counseling and some serious soul searching before you make up your mind but in the end, you'll make the right decision. If it is to leave him, it'll def be hard, no doubt, but it'll be for a reason. If I didn't separate from my ex the time I did, dh and I probably would have never met so I'm thankful things worked out like that. But in your case, it could be completely different depending on what YOU want and decide on. Dont let anyone else make you feel like you have to stay with him. You are so young and you don't deserve to have to live unhappily. It wouldn't be fair to you. Anyways, I was just trying to say that I think its good for u to TRY and work on it and if its still not what u want, I promise, u will figure everything out. I'm sorry your going through this :-\ I'm always here if u need to talk. Ive been through it in the past and I'm obv ok w talking about it considering I wrote this book lol There's a big hug for you

 

[Jennuuh]

Great advice aidensmommy

You'll definitely figure it out Megan. Look at all these women here for you!

 

[MolGold]

Megan - the first step to healing is recognizing the problem. I am happy you are ready to fight for your happiness and taking steps for it. You just need to realize now where exactly your happiness lies - together or apart. Its a tough time and we will all be here for you through it. You can come in and vent anytime!

Thanks Jennuh for sharing your story.. I know it can be hard baring it all out but its great how you all ladies share your experiences to help other girls

Jess, Actually its good hearing +ve things as it gives us all hope for good things ahead. Take your much deserved break and cut work hours till you feel you can give 100% into it And congrats on the blog award Go Jess!

 

[Wishing1010]

First of all, your trip sounds like it is going to be amazing, Jess!!! I hope you two have a blast and forget everything but each other during that time. So happy for you!!! My first O after my lap was followed by intense cramping but I felt better not too long after I think you will start feeling well enough to enjoy the external stuff before too long and good for you for taking an extra couple of days off and for speaking to your boss when you return. I think these are all the right steps for you!

Megan, I truly hope that you are able to get DH to sit down and have a serious chat with you. Maybe he just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and that your marriage is on the line. Maybe try sleeping in another room until he is ready to listen. Switch things up so he sees that you are serious. I am a big advocate for trying to make it work, however, if you aren't happy, you need to do whatever it is that will make you happy. You are too young to spend the rest of your life like this. FX you all reach the best outcome on this

Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories. Makes me feel like we have all been through some horrible things and most of us have been able to pull through.

I wish ibeach would come back!!!!!!

Amy, how are you doing?

to any ladies testing!!!!

 

[Megamegan]

He knows how serious I am because I've already been on the brink of leaving once in February, and it ended with him punching a hole through the door, and nothing more productive. Also, we already sleep in separate rooms. We have different sleeping habits and I can't get a good night sleep with his TV on and cold air. Sometimes I just don't understand why in the world I even continued dating him when I did because of how different we are. It's like we are roommates who have sex sometimes. But we will figure it out. I know it deserves a real shot. Thanks everyone.

 

[Wishing1010]

I truly hope it all works out for you, Hun! I hope you keep your best interests in mind and know that buying a home or TTC is not a good option until you are certain how you feel. I'm sure you already know that!

 

[aidensmommy1]

I know Kenna, I wish I beach would come back too! I had to temp an hr late today but my temp was still right on track w the others so I dont think it really made a difference for me. I had the baby again last night (yay! Lol). They were about to take him back and then my brothers gf asked if id mind one more night and of course I said id keep him however long they needed me to lol . I wonder if I'm oing today. Its so strange not worrying about that after 12 months! It does feel good tho and having my nephew has def helped keep me busy my first month NTNP again.

jess, congrats!!! Happy news is MUCH needed on this thread right now! I'm so happy for u and u guys will have a blast on ur trip!

Megan, I hope u can get dh to sit down and SERIOUSLY talk. Men are like big kids sometimes (but its not so cute on them lol). I'd bring it up and make it a "we need to talk and NOW" sort of thing if he tries to avoid it or act silly again. I know your fear of starting over again. I felt that way w my marriage and felt like such a failure but I got more support then I ever imagined. Apparently family/friends were just waiting (& my dad is 100% against divorce usually) but in this case everyone saw that I made the right decision. But ya back to the starting over, ive been that way in every relationship ive ever had, scared of starting over and making a new life and I agree, its def very hard when ur married to the person but I promise u, u can do it and get through it if leaving is what u choose to do. Mine and my exs relationship was way different I'm sure but I actually felt a huge weight off my shoulders when I finally worked up the nerve. Try and think of the things that YOU want and not worry about everyone else. I made a "pros" & "cons" list about happiness/sadness/anger, etc. in my old marriage and my cons definitely out weighed the pros. Maybe u could do something like that for just you to look at and u can also just make a list of things that are really bothering you, that way when u talk to him, ull have everything u want to say in front of u so u dont forget anything that you feel is crucial to say, and then u'll wish u said it when u had his full attention, u kno? For me, I would forget more then half of what I wanted to bring up at home or even in counseling sessions so my therapist recommended for me to do that. You may have a better memory then me but I wanted to throw a few ideas out there for u for while your thinking about everything and waiting to talk with dh. Your in my prayers Megan. I feel for u alot I'm this situation. You sound like me about 3yrs ago :-\. But like I said before, dh and I would have NEVER met if my ex and I didn't divorce. Like it was our divorce that made me end up in the building I was in the day dh and I met. So I always tell ppl that my first marriage was just practice and didn't really count and was just meant to lead me to my dh that I am with now lol. I'm just saying that many things truly do happen for a reason. If you stay with dh, there will be a reason for it and if you dont, same thing..If leaving is what u choose, just know that there will be something great waiting over the horizon just for you. Ugh this all can be so scary :-\. like I said I am here to talk and u can always PM me too. I 100% understand how ur feeling. You want it to work but you also want to be happy, thats very underatandable. Maybe ur therapist can help you come up with ideas to overcome being afraid of letting EVERYONE else down. I had those same fears & I had to talk to my therapist about it and she did help me view things in a different way. For me, I had to overcome worrying about everyone else before I could truly think clearly about ME and what I wanted & needed. I could go on forever about ways I tried to work on things with my ex. I just wish we could talk in person because i can explain things alot better when I'm actually talking, u know? Well ill stop "talkin" ur ear off lol. As always, ur in my prayers Megan.

GOOD LUCK LADIES WITH JUST ANY AND EVERYTHING LIFE THROWS AT YOU! You All!!

 

[aidensmommy1]

Megan, once again, I wrote a book and missed ur new post before posting it lol. You sound exactly like me and my ex. We slept in separate beds, and it was a fight very often about me wanting to leave and he'd punch something or turn it on me and then suddenly id be begging him to stay when I didn't even want that! I hate mind games! If its anything like that, I really hope you can find it in you soon. You deserve happiness. Yeah everyone has issues but if its every day and making you feel sorta trapped, its not mentally healthy for u . I'm praying extra hard for u tonight. The last 6-7 months of my past marriage, I got into the worse depression ever and now I look back and just think "why? Why did I stay that long? Why did I put up with that?". BUT that divorce helped me grow in SOO many ways so not all bad came out of MY marriage. Shoot I wanted to write a little more but the baby just woke up again and I'm sure hes going to want some food. Ill bb on as soon as I get a chance. Hold your head up Megan.

 

[aidensmommy1]

Have to say real quick, has anyone talked to Amy? Ive been worried about you Amy! I hope everything's going good or I hope ur at least able to stay busy until you see mike. you! And am anxiously waiting to see how you are