The new Gender Specific Hopefuls thread (2014)

[dollych]

Aww congratulations on the birth of your little Girl xx don't feel guilty about your announcement. Your birth story is lovely. Congrats xx

 

[motherofboys]

Congratulations!

It is hard, but not too much harder. You adjust to it. Some times are more difficult than others.

 

[caro103]

Congratulations r white! Lovely news. I had both mine at home too

 

[rwhite]

Thanks girls xx I do have a bit of a dilemma and don't know if any of you would mind giving me some advice...

So...while I have always desperately wanted to have a daughter someday (hence my GD when I had just one child - a son...), my older sister has got three sons - 10, 13 and 15. And as you can imagine, has had GD (I'm not sure if with the first one, but definitely 2 and 3). I think the extent of my GD stemmed from the reality of seeing that she had only boys, and cemented that I may only have boys...and when I had my first boy, my silly logic meant that I would only continue to have boys as well and never the daughter I had dreamed of.

Following the birth of our daughter, I haven't heard a single word from my sister. I immediately wondered if she was feeling down and jealous about the fact that I have a girl and she doesn't, but thought I would give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she had been busy

Skip forward a few days and I see that she is interacting with mutual friends of ours on Facebook - obviously by this point I have announced that I have had the baby on my page, and that confirmed that she purposely had not said anything to me about the baby.

We are both very close with my mum, and I knew that mum would have spoken to her by this point so I asked my mum. Mum confirmed and said she has been very upset about it I do sympathise, as much as I can anyway without having multiple children of the same sex - I just know with confidence that if I had had a boy for my second and never a girl that I would have been absolutely thrilled to have had a niece who I could buy pink for and dote on. I used to get jealous of friends, and even strangers, but a niece for me would have been great because it would be as close to a daughter as I'd get without actually having one.

Mum told me that my sister had confided in her that if her eldest son had been a girl she wouldn't have had any more children That made me cry and showed me the extent of her desire for a girl...I have always wanted more than one child, so would always have had more after my son.

I feel such a mixture of emotions about it - it's now a week and still no word from her. I don't know if I should contact her, and if I do what I would say...

What do you reckon girls? How would you feel/react in the same situation as my sister or as myself?

And do you have any tips - I don't want to accidentally make her feel worse by anything I post on Facebook etc. Have refrained from using cutesy nicknames like "Princess" or anything. I don't want to rub salt in the wound...I am starting to feel awkward about the fact that she still hasn't said a word to me, though, admittedly.

xx

 

[motherofboys]

Being sisters I would have forced myself to contact you to say congratulations but I probably would have distanced myself after that. If she's feeling anything like I am right now it's an actual physical pain in my heart. My best friends who are the closest things I have to sisters have had girls and buying for them is so much harder because I know it's not for me, and likely never will be. Right now I don't even think I will find any consolation in buying for granddaughters in the future.
I'm not sure whether you should contact her or not. I want to say reach out but I have no clue what to say that wouldn't come off as "why haven't you contacted me" iykwim
I think she probably needs time.

 

[30mummyof1]

Maybe she's finding it extra hard that you have given your parents the first grand daughter too and wanted that to be her especially being the eldest, but hopefully with time she will come round to the idea and enjoy having a niece.

 

[caro103]

That's so hard. I have to say although I've only had 2 boys i felt really quite jealous when my bil had a girl as their first child this Jan. But i did say congratulations and have joined in with everything, i think totally hid any jealousy. Hmm I'd probably give her a bit more time, however not so long it makes it impossible to speak to her. You could try ignore she's not contacted you and invite her round? If she mentions anything try to be sensitive and explain you understand this is hard for her x

 

[aimee-lou]

That's so hard. I have to say although I've only had 2 boys i felt really quite jealous when my bil had a girl as their first child this Jan. But i did say congratulations and have joined in with everything, i think totally hid any jealousy. Hmm I'd probably give her a bit more time, however not so long it makes it impossible to speak to her. You could try ignore she's not contacted you and invite her round? If she mentions anything try to be sensitive and explain you understand this is hard for her x

This. Try not to dwell on anything I think. She probably doesn't want to contact you and is embarrassed too by her jealousy. Maybe ignore it all and invite her round to come and see both her nephew and niece and most importantly, you. You are still her sister, and you care for one another so I would go from this angle.

I don't really have any experience or better advice than that, but I think that before too much time passes a 'get out of jail free' card should be offered. I don't think anything is going to help her feel better, but you should keep your door open.

 

[kaths101]

rwhite congratulations on your little girl
I'm not sure what to suggest about your sister, it's a sad situation. I agree with the others. Could you email or text so it's not awkward.

Caro, mine have been seriously testing me too! I can't rethink number 3 haha but I am slightly terrified as my two are HARD work at the moment

 

[Feronia]

Congrats, rwhite! I love your birth story (I had 2 home births as well). I was just accepted into midwifery school so I'm now a student midwife! It made me feel all happy reading it, I can't wait to attend births like that.

I agree with others about contacting her and pretending that you haven't noticed her distance. Maybe she'll come around and it will give her the chance to make things right. What a tough situation though, I'm sorry...

 

[motherofboys]

I just got round to reading your birth story and cried. Can't imagine that feeling when you saw it was a girl. I loved my home births, my last 3 were born at home.

 

[rwhite]

Thanks girls, I really appreciate all your advice

It's difficult because she lives 2 hours drive away - she is the only one in my immediate family (it's my parents, my sister, brother and myself) that doesn't live in our city. I wonder if this is a bit of a security blanket in a way. I would invite her over otherwise. Her 13 year old is very interested in his new cousin and has been messaging me - I'm not sure if he is aware of his mum's feelings or not but I doubt he is.

I got an update from my mum today - mum said something to her like "Rosy thought it was a bit odd that you didn't say anything to her about the baby and wondered if you were okay" and she replied "I didn't know I needed to say anything" Really? I've had strangers congratulate me, and my own sister didn't think she should say congratulations about a new family member? She also told mum that she thinks she might have commented on a photo or something but I know she hasn't - I would have noticed (I will go and double check though so that I know for sure).

:'(

Motherofboys - it was incredible! I really truly didn't think I would get a girl. I don't know why. I'm a very pessimistic person, and feel like setting myself up for a fall is easier so that I'm not as disappointed. Doesn't always work, but I figure it can only lessen things, right?

My mum got a video of the birth and my subsequent reaction - such a special video to have...I haven't seen it since her birth day but I know when I watch it again I will sob.

 

[motherofboys]

Sounds like she is hurting. It does sting when you've wanted a girl for a long time and had a few boys and someone seems to get a boy and girl so 'easily'. Obviously we know you have been here and how much you wanted a girl, and it wasn't just something that happened with no care over gender. It's just hard to see when you know you aren't ever going to have that. I'm avoiding the school run today because one of the mums I regularly talk to because she had her girl the beginning of the easter holidays. She has a boy who's 5 and wasn't even trying to get pregnant. She didn't want any more children. Yet she got a girl. I can't watch everyone fuss over how wonder and perfect it is that she got a boy followed by a girl, and how lucky she is.

 

[Hopin4ABump]

Just to add to this thread - first of all congrats to you rwhite!! I'm reading your birth story as soon as i post this.

I am currently expecting DS #3, so I can speak as someone who has multiple children of the same gender...and my sister had a little girl recently after having a boy prior. It is not easy. I am super jealous. Of course.

With saying that, she is my sister and that is my niece, so I definitely didn't hesitate to embrace it!

But to add to that as well, having a niece doesn't make not having a daughter any easier at all. In fact, it might make it harder.

Just some insight to the other side! Big hugs. You will get through it with her I'm certain.

 

[EmyDra]

What a tough situation.
I'm glad I planned 3 and will soon have 3, just assumed one of them would be female!

Unfortunately statistically there are more girls that are single children than boys, parents are more likely to only have one if it's a girl.
Also parents are most likely to have a third if they already have two boys.

I am fine about it most of the time, it's just when I think about my grandma who is nearly 80, who had two sons and still wishes she'd had a daughter...I just don't want that regret, but I'm not sure if it's worth having more kids for. There's no garauntee and I love the children I have so don't want to keep diluting our resources in blind hope. It's not fair on them.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about my brother having a daughter, I think I'd just embrace having access to a girly that was my niece (if he's living near me at the time). And I know he'd find it hard not to have sons, he's always said he would. So maybe we'd connect that way, not so much if he was my sister.

 

[rwhite]

Thanks girls x still nothing to update, I hope she comes around soon I can understand wanting to distance herself, but this silence is just so awkward...maybe I am going to need to be the one to break it. Who knows if she will reply, but she doesn't know that I know she's jealous, so maybe she will fake it til she makes it if I do.

 

[EmyDra]

You should be able to celebrate your daughter and embrace all that is girly if you want to rwhite. God, all of us who'd love a girl would!

I can't make up my mind whether talking about GD and hearing other's stories is helping me or making me sad.
I'm so excited about this baby but it hurts feeling how I know I'd be more excited if he changed gender overnight.
Once he's here I know I won't want to change one inch of him, he's going to be totally amazing.

 

[caro103]

For me its nice to know others feel similar, however as yet I'm not in the position of actually expecting No.3 and knowing its sex xx

 

[motherofboys]

Soooo.... DH has agreed to ttc next summer! Apparently he thought that was the plan anyway. He never for a moment believed I would stick to the decision to stop. I'd have preferred to try this summer, just because of age gaps and how long ttc took with ds4, but I guess that was mainly due to problems with my cycle while breastfeeding so probably won't be an issue again. Fingers crossed.
I'm considering a sway. I don't hold much faith (so many of the people I know having girls after a few boys right now have never even heard of swaying) but I figure if this is my last chance then I might as well give it a go and then at least when I get a 5th boy I can say I tried. It's not like it costs anything and I'll only be doing the diet and exercise part which will probably be good for me (I eat so much rubbish and never exercise!) as long as I keep in my mind to expect a 5th boy then it's worth a go. But I will probably talk myself out of it again by this time next year and just ttc with no sway knowing me lol

 

[Feronia]

Yay, motherofboys! Glad that he's up to TTC next summer.

rwhite, that is so awesome you have a video of your reaction to finding out her sex! My midwife happened to take a video when I discovered the sex, and I'm so glad I have it. Absolute best part of remaining team yellow, sooo worth it!

I really hope your sister comes around. I'd personally be tempted to break the silence myself, and if she doesn't come around, at least you tried. That's what I did when my mom didn't talk to me for 5 months after my first was born...