Update - bfn boots own brand?! Please please someone give me hope - late bfp

[robo123]

How are you doing red x

 

[red_head]

Thanks all - I’m really going out of my mind. I just feel it’s over, still brown spotting and some tiny clots in it, some mild - not cramps exactly but pain - on and off. My symptoms are very mild now and come and go. It’s just driving me insane feeling this was but not KNOWING for sure if you know what I mean. I feel like I do know, but there is still just enough of a niggle there to give me hope. And in my head I’ve been convincing myself it’s for the best because I’d be a horrible mother so I hardly feel any bond now. Or at least I tell myself that but then I still start sobbing every time there is blood when I go to the loo! I just wish there was something I could do to find out for sure - knowing I have to wait a week is driving me crazy and I just don’t know how I can go on til then. But then I guess I have no choice!

Thank you all so much for your comments and support. I’m reading them all and trying to take things on board, but I just don’t want to get my hopes up as I’m finding it hard enough already and being happy and picturing a baby at the end of it just makes it feel so much worse now everytime another sign points to it not happening. I just feel so bad for my husband. I just get waves of guilt come over me whenever I look at him or think about him, as I’m literally killing his babies while they are inside me and stealing his chance of being a parent away. He has no choice in this, it’s something I’m doing to him, ans even though I know I can’t help it, I just feel so guilty. I love him more than anyone on the planet, but I feel like I should end things so he has a chance at a proper family with someone else.
So yeah, just massively struggling. I’m such a whiny mess at the moment I’m so sorry! It’s not like I can even actually blame the hormones since there don’t seem to be any!!

 

[happycupcake]

You are NOT doing this to your babies or him! I know it feels that way, I know because each time I have had a really early loss I have thought the same things, and I have said my husband would be best off meeting someone who can give him more babies because my uterus is like some baby killing thing. But in reality I know it isn't my fault, I don't choose to do this and the same applies to you, too. If you had a choice, you would choose to have a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end of it, but you don't have a choice as to what happens. For all you know, it could have been chromosomal abnormalities before, which could be you, him or both! And even if it was down to an issue with you and you alone, it isn't as if you're actively choosing to have a problem.
Ask yourself this: if you discovered it was his sperm and there wasn't any issue with you whatsoever, would you blame him? Would you want anyone else? Would you leave him? No! Of course not! Because you know it isn't his fault and it wouldn't be something he could help. Whatever the issue has been before, it isn't yours or his fault, it's life because sometime it's shit and it does some awful things but you WILL get through all of this, together. You will be stronger, because you will lean on each other and stick together because you love each other and that's what you do. There is no blame to be had here, he knows that.
I know this is all absolutely horrendous and you're petrified, but this could be ok. Things aren't set in stone. So far, so good. You have had some bleeds and spotting, yes, but that's incredibly common early on and some even continue to have periods throughout. Please don't lose all hope just yet. I know hope is a frightening thing to hold onto, but there is hope still.
Can you book a private scan this week instead? If you're more than six weeks then you may be able to see baby by now. It's an option to think about perhaps?
If things don't turn out ok, and I am praying they do turn out fine, but if they don't, please don't blame yourself and please know that your husband loves you no matter what and doesn't blame you, and everyone here is here for you too

 

[SoInLove2018]

So sorry Red. Really hope things work out for you xx

 

[jenniferannex]

So sorry you feel like this Red i cant even imagine Just know this isn't you doing this to your husband, You're doing everything you can and he knows that, Please do not blame yourself. I have absolutely everything crossed for you. You really deserve this little miracle xxxxx

 

[6lilpigs]

Good luck xx

 

[robo123]

A loss effects us all differently red, try not to blame yourself. I know exactly how you feel about not getting excited about a pregnancy. My whole pregnancy I could not enjoy because of worry. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. X

 

[red_head]

Thanks all. The bleeding has stopped completely again for now - although it keeps stop starting. I’m too scared to do another test or anything, symptoms still non existent or very occasionally have some mild possible symptoms although they may be wishful thinking. It’s almost annoying having days like this where things are okay as it gives me hope again. Just feels like time is dragging at the moment. I guess all I can do is wait and see though! My husband’s grandad died last night which is really sad as he was such a lovely man, with a real cheeky twinkle on his eye right until the end. I just feel so sorry for my husband going through all this, and he’s still trying to look after me and make sure I’m okay.
Just wish things were easier!
Oh well, roll on Monday
Xx

 

[happycupcake]

Oh gosh I'm so sorry your husband's grandad passed away

 

[Bevziibubble]

I'm so sorry about your husband's grandad

 

[jenniferannex]

So sorry to hear about his Grandad

 

[itsnowmyturn]

So sorry for yours and your husbands loss. I really hope things turn out well for u on Monday. I will be checking in for an update as soon as I can, I have everything crossed for you both xx

 

[xMissxZoiex]

The bleeding could have just been due to having an internal scan, they can really irritate the cervix and cause it to bleed.

Good luck. X

 

[FTale]

Just caught up on your posts, Red. I'm so sorry this is all happening. Praying your next scan shows you baby/heartbeat and I hope the bleeding completely stops. The Union will help you out with work. My husband is part of a Union too.

 

[happycupcake]

Hope you're doing ok, Red

 

[rebeccalouise]

Hope you’re doing okay! x

 

[red_head]

Hey all
I’m still really struggling. I have no symptoms and just don’t feel pregnant. Things I was having like sore boobs, very mild nausea and headaches are non existent. I keep googling it and find all these posts saying ‘oh I had no symptoms except (insert major symptom here) and it was fine’ - which makes me want to hurt someone!! That is a symptom! Lol!
Still no more bleeding but I just don’t think that is really an indication of anything.
I’m really dreading tomorrow. I’m thinking of cancelling. I’m not ready for it to be over. I don’t want to hear there isn’t a heartbeat. Especially there. I don’t want to have to come out that room into the hallway of the maternity ward which is always full of pregnant women waiting for their scans and stuff. I can’t stand the thought of it. I’m not ready to give up yet. I’m really developing a phobia of that place. I know it’s burying my head in the sand but I just want to be pregnant a little longer. I don’t want it to be over. I’m not ready to hear it yet.

 

[happycupcake]

It may not be over. No bleeding is really good! I know there's such thing as missed miscarriage, but most of the time it isn't like that. I really hope you see a beautiful little heartbeat. I know you don't want to go, but if you don't you'll drive yourself crazy not knowing

 

[red_head]

I hope so too.
The problem is I keep thinking it is a missed miscarriage, and go round in circles telling myself that it won’t be as the one thing I can do well is miscarry!! I’ve got that nailed! But then I think maybe I’m just trying to outdo myself with how shit I can make things! I know I’m being irrational. It’s just so hard not knowing. I keep thinking back to my first pregnancy and how happy and excited and stupid I was. I’d give anything to feel like that this time! I didn’t even consider that it would end without a baby when I saw that BFP. Now I’m struggling to imagine a pregnancy that does end with one!

 

[LoraLoo]

I really wish they would be a bit more thoughtful of women going through the loss of a pregnancy and had a different exit. It's so upsetting.
That said i really dont think this will be the case for you tomorrow! For me my symptoms were on and off til just past 7 weeks when they came on full force but everyone is different. Some women sail through pregnancy with no symptoms at all. Crossing everything that you see a wiggly baby tomorrow, but I do totally understand why you are preparing for the worst, I think its our minds way of trying to protect us x