funny things you sed whilst in labour

[stardust599]

I didn't really say anything funny but I did a lot of shouting and swearing on the gas and air. Normally I'm a shy, nice person too! I never ever swear so I don't know where it came from either! When I was given morphine I just started laughing and talking utter rubbish.

To midwifes "You're fucking annoying me" "Don't touch me" "Get me the fucking morphine" "Get it now" "I am pushing, you get up here and do it if it's so fucking easy" "Can't you just pull her out" "Why don't we just have all babies by c-section" I also kept reciting stuff from books about all the stages of labour and telling the midwifes how to do their job!!

To OH - "Now remember not to crash the van cos I want to be there when you do" "Water, I need water. Now. Get me fucking water."

Every contraction - "sigh, oh fuck sake here's another one, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhh AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, sob sob sob, it hurts"

xxx

 

[sweetthang24]

These are hilarious!!!

I don't have any funny stories, I was pretty much mute the whole was throughout ( god knows how!) and mostly asleep

 

[DanielleM]

This thread has had me in actual stitches, loving all the stories so will add my own!!

After 7 hours of labour got the gas and air, my OH said I sounded drunk after 5 mins on the gas and air!!

I was telling the midwife if they sold this G&A in pubs I would just have that and never touch alcohol again because hangovers and kids dont mix!

I told my OH if he was John Travolta I would fucking knock him out!! (still unsure on this one)

We had a TV in my labour room and I was in labour on a sat night so told my OH to put Match of the Day on as I wanted to know how Everton v West Ham had got on, then when the midwives came into the room I said to them 'Can you believe this ******* is watching football whilst I am in labour? to which Dave relpied 'She told me to put it on' which I replied 'No I never' and when the midwives left found it highly amusing!!

Lastly I was hallucinating that Adrian Chiles was on the television and whispering to me 'Danielle we are coming to the end of the programme and the end of the gas and air, there is no air in it anymore, just gas, it is going to kill you' Honestly was convinced my OH and midwives were trying to kill me with the gas!!

 

[blinkybaby]

Oh and one other thing - when I was pushing my bumhole was dilating and it made me feel like I was pooing. I kept shouting "oh noooo, I'm pooing aren't I!!" and grabbing OH saying "don't you dare look down there!"

 

[lovealittle1]

This is the best thread!!!! Keep em coming ladies

 

[buttons1]

I asked if the rooms were sound proof lol

 

[Kalah]

Oh and what about funny things from our men?
I remember looking at OH's face after our baby was born he was in total shock freaking out because she came out purple, no one told him that was normal!

 

[Susie28]

The midwife brought me Ibuprofen when I asked for Pain relief (I meant an Epidural).... I told her to "shove them up her arse!"

 

[Lost_Plot]

I hardly said anything while in labour I couldn't speak on Pethadin I just lay there with one eye open. For some reason concentrating on keeping one eye open was helping distract me from the pain.

I can safely say I didn't even swear lol

 

[Pixxie]

I've just remembered another

Midwife: Good girl, I can see the head!
Me: Shut up, dont lie to me.
Midwife: No, really, she has loads of hair!
Me: NO SHE DOESNT, WHY ARE YOU LIEING!?
Midwife: Reach down and you will feel her head...
* Reaches down too check*
Me: Oh f*** shes telling the truth!!!

My OH and Aunt are in stitches by this point as you can imagine. xx

 

[babytots]

Erm lots of things the gas and air makes me go loopy. I know at one point with Lewis I told Dh this was bloody hard work and that I best get some flowers and ferrer roche choccies for my efforts I sidn't ask I told him that he would be buying them for me! Needless to say he didn't follow through.

With my eldest the pressure when her head was coming down made me feel like I needed a no.2 and I would run to the toilet with each contraction shouting I need to poo I need to poo lol. Dh won't let me live that one down x

 

[Kalah]

I think I just remembered the best part of my labour.
My OH's aunt (she was there nearly the whole labour) brought be a balloon the next morning saying "It's a boy!" She had no idea it said that!!

 

[KittyVentura]

Lol! Loving these. I didn't know G&A actually made your voice funny... I thought it just made me THINK it was funny.

Whenever a MW came in the room, or Michael (I really did love Michael the anestetist (sp?), or DH, or a cleaner etc - "I warn you... I'm not wearing any pants!"

To Michael - "Michael... do you have a Facebook?"

To Michael - "I like your pocket (his scrubs had a random dog patterened pocket on them)... can I have your pocket please?"... When he said no... "I thought we were friends Michael... I thought we were tight like this *holds up crossed fingers*... Our relationship is build on lies!"

While pushing and everyone was telling me to push - "What the FUCK do you think I'm doing??!!"

When a senior MW came in and wanted to cut me (Fin was distressed) - "Put the fucking scissors down, I'll do it myself" (I did too )

When I'd pushed him out - "I've pooed haven't I?" - Everyone - "NO!" - Me - *Starting to cry* "I have - I can feel it between my bumcheeks!" - MW - "That's the umbilical cord!"

The next day - "I was funny wasn't I!!"

xx

 

[ttc_lolly]

I think I said loads of funny stuff, mainly whilst I was on the G&A!! On my 1st few puffs I remember trying to re-live the moment with my OH when we used to do laughing gas at festivals & parties but apparently I just slurred whatever I was trying to say & OH couldn't make sense of it And OH & I doing the G&A and laughing at our high pitched voices!!

 

[SKATERBUN]

''help me, help me, please someone help me!!'' oh how embarressing! gas and air made me delirious

 

[trulymadly]

OMG I'm dying at these!!

With my DS i told my mum to turn the telly over cuz charlies angels was on (there was no telly and I've never watched charlies angels)

I had an epi and when the MW was telling me to push i crossed my legs and said to my mum...'I can't, I need a poo'.

I was abit more 'with it' when it came to DD due to a shorter labour but still had...

(offering my G and A to OH) Have some, I wont tell, it's good shit!

when a sheepish and scared looking anethasist (sp) came in and said she needed to put a line in my hand I turned to my OH and MW and whispered 'she aint fucking coming near me!'
I'm sure at this point I sounded like I'd had more than my fair share of wine!

 

[sjb1985]

The week before I went into labour with my son i'd read a magazine article about 2 white people having a black baby. (somewhere in their ancestory they had coloured relatives)

After 12 hours of gas and air, and absolutly off my tits i turned to OH and said "I wonder if it will come out black!?" and proceeded to laugh.

OH just looked at me and stormed out and the lovely old midwife i had turned to me and said "is there anything you need to tell us dear"

She went and got my OH who refused to talk to me for the rest of the labour. Luckily Jamie was the spitting image of his Dad or i could have been in a lot of trouble!

With Chloe it was OH who came out with some crackers.

"does it actually hurt then?"
"do you mind if i nip to the cafe up the road for some dinner, im starving" (this is when i was 8cm dilated)
"Oh my god, it has a head" (as she was crowning)
"Its a baby, its an actual baby" (whilst sobbing at the top of his voice when she was born!)

 

[BabyJayne]

I was puffing away on the G&A, and DH was reading his book, sitting by the bed and holding my hand. I told him to "put the fucking book down and listen to me. This is so important"

He put the book down and held my hand - looking deep into my eyes.

"What is it?" He says.

"When the baby..." pause for gas and air inhalation
..."comes out..." more gas and air
"...please, please..." inhale
"...can we..." little sob...inhale
..."go to..." inhale, inhale
..."the shops."
I've never seen anyone look so disappointed. He was waiting for some profound statement and he got me being a div.

I also told him to "Remember this...because I will forget it...but I need to remember. Even if I deny it later, remind me that I know the answer to question two, and it's The Simpsons."

 

[KittyVentura]

Oh one last one from me.

I had my DH and best friend (MIlfy Moo) there for my delivery. They were talking while I was havign something done and I made everyone stop and very loudly said.

"I don't want to be rude later so if you laugh at anything, other than things I say, I will be seriously fucked off!"...

Not entirely sure I undersand the motivation behind that one myself xx

 

[leoniebabey]

when i was in the 1st stages i was adament i needed a poo and the midwife was insistent i didnt, but i went to the loo and tried and HAD A POO, and very proudly told her that i was in fact right!

I didnt say much funny through labour though, tbh i didnt say much at all! I'd had soo much gas and air and diamorphine i was practically zonked out!
I was on my own from 4am when i got the gas and air and diamorphine till like 5.50 so all i remember doing was lying thinking totally random thoughts in my head, absoloutly off my face! I didnt even feel in the world! I thought i was on a cloud somewhere

when my nana and FOB showed up i came round a bit to say
'ohh i feel like im weeing'
'well you might be'
'no it's my waters you idiot'

i also said 'If i have a poo i appologise, but dont laugh please'

i also said: 'when he comes out, i hope i can open my eyes because i want to see his face' (haha i was so out of it i couldnt even see)

other than that i am compltetly oblivious to anything i said until i was pushing everytime i got a contraction i was like okay NOW gogogo hahaha
and then when they got the forceps in they told me to push and i was like oh god just pull him out now just pull him go on i want him out now!