The 'Three is the Magic Number' Group thread

[addy1]

Hi.
This is an interesting thread. I don't really belong here though as I have only one at this time. We definitely will be having a second (ttc next march I think).
But. Two children just seems...i don't know... Empty to me for some reason. I was an only child (and hubby was too for 16 years anyway) and definitely won't be raising an only.
In my mind I've idealized the number 3 or better yet 4. Am I silly?
Hubby says well see. Two is enough. Especially if we have a girl next time. But I always tell him that it doesn't seem complete to me.
You ladies have more experience and have the "right" I guess to truly decide if two is not enough. I don't think I do right now.

Have you ladies always felt this way? Even before your second came along?
Thanks for any help or advice. And sorry if I'm butting in.

I've always thought that I wanted 3. After my first, I knew I wanted two more...but now that I have two....it is getting harder to convince myself to get pregnant again!! I am 30 (feel like I am getting old!!)....I always get sick (puking up to 20 weeks with both), and pregnancy and childbirth are not that fun for me!! Haha! I know I want another one, but I know this will be the last!

At the same time, I am really looking forward to feeling the baby kick again (the best part about pregnancy!!) and meeting this new little person. I love my girls and love their personalities....can't wait to see what our third and final baby will be!

 

[addy1]

Hi girls and welcome to all the newbies. I'm sorry, ive not got time to respond properly at the minute cause i'm about to start work. I'll come back tonight!

DH pulled out last night. I knew it would be the decider, cause i will be ovulating within about a week. I'd built up this month as the month i wanted to start NTNP and i really did have high hopes that he would be on board and that he just needed to be left alone about it. Especially with him not pulling out since CD20 of last cycle. But i guess he's not on the same page at all.

To be honest though i don't know how i feel about that now. It got me to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Don't get me wrong i absolutely do 100% want another baby, however, i can wait a while if it is taking longer for him to come around. If i'm not pregnant by September i'll be starting rehearsals for next year's pantomime so that's something i love that i can't be pregnant for. Plus, my dad is in hospital again. It's a long story and we almost lost him at Christmas, but he's doing okay now. He's just been in with an infection but had to have an operation to remove an abscess. Maybe the timing is wrong anyway.

Well, however right or wrong i'm still feeling upset by it. I don't know whether to mention it to DH or not, because i don't want to annoy him about it. I think i will wait until after i've been fertile this cycle and then it's not an immediate issue, so he doesn't feel pressured about it or like he has to make quick decisions or anything.

Sorry about your dad, and that you are feeling down. Take care! I am sure he will come around....maybe you do need to talk with him.

 

[luvmyfam]

Hi.
This is an interesting thread. I don't really belong here though as I have only one at this time. We definitely will be having a second (ttc next march I think).
But. Two children just seems...i don't know... Empty to me for some reason. I was an only child (and hubby was too for 16 years anyway) and definitely won't be raising an only.
In my mind I've idealized the number 3 or better yet 4. Am I silly?
Hubby says well see. Two is enough. Especially if we have a girl next time. But I always tell him that it doesn't seem complete to me.
You ladies have more experience and have the "right" I guess to truly decide if two is not enough. I don't think I do right now.

Have you ladies always felt this way? Even before your second came along?
Thanks for any help or advice. And sorry if I'm butting in.

When I was pregnant with DS 2 I thought it would probably be my last pregnancy... thought we would be done with 2. But after about 6 months after DS 2 was born I started to get the feeling that something.... someone was missing! If that makes sense!

 

[ohbananas]

Can I join in??

I'm Savanna from Saskatchewan, Canada, I have a almost 21 month old and an almost 11 month old, both girls, and we have been TTC #3 since I had #2, but OH works away and is not always home when I ovulate, I honestly hope to get pregnant in October so I can have another August baby, and maybe just maybe finally have my bouncing baby boy!

I miss being pregnant, I miss labour, I miss everything about it!

 

[sausages]

Thanks all for your support and kind words. We had a chat tonight and he is still opposed to the idea. I asked him if it was a not yet or a never and for him at least it's never. I wish so badly that I could just turn this desire off. I don't want to want this so badly!! I hate that he feels bed for making me cry and I hate that it makes me this upset! I have two amazing kids - four if you count my angels. Why is it not enough???!!

I desperately need to find some way to get over this and get on with the rest of my life.

 

[addy1]

Thanks all for your support and kind words. We had a chat tonight and he is still opposed to the idea. I asked him if it was a not yet or a never and for him at least it's never. I wish so badly that I could just turn this desire off. I don't want to want this so badly!! I hate that he feels bed for making me cry and I hate that it makes me this upset! I have two amazing kids - four if you count my angels. Why is it not enough???!!

I desperately need to find some way to get over this and get on with the rest of my life.

I am so sorry that he is not on-board. Do you think it is because of your two losses? Do you think he is just scared?

Welcome Savanna!

 

[sausages]

Thanks addy1. Yeah it's partly because of our losses. Indirectly. Because of our history i get a bit worried when pregnant and a few times we have ended up going through to hospital to be monitored for peace of mind when i haven't felt the baby move for a while etc. He says he can't be arsed to get in from work at 10.30pm to find me on the sofa looking worried, to then have to arrange childcare for DD & DS so that we can go through to hospital to be checked out until silly o clock in the morning. That only happened 5 times at the absolute extreme (i've forgotten how many in reality, but no more than that), and it wasn't always late at night. There were only one or two times we went through late at night.

It's all worth it to me though! I see another person to love as much as the two we have and another to make us proud. He can't see past the two years of pregnancy and early weeks sleeplessness. That time is the most precious to me, and it is literally heartbreaking that i won't get to do that again.

He said that if we had another what's to say i wouldn't just want a fourth, but i've already said that i'd just get sterilised with my next c-section. Then i would imagine i could get as broody as i liked but with that kind of closure it would be easier to get over. But, even then he said he doesn't want me getting sterilised. I'm not entirely clear on why.

Plus i feel like he's changed his mind on me, but i'm the one who's got to comply. It all feels really unfair, but at the same time i do respect his viewpoint. It's just that we started out 16 years ago saying definitely no children, but we were young and daft. Then we decided together that we would like to start a family and that it definitely wouldn't be an only child as we didn't want that for us. Then when we lost our babies the first couple of times we decided together that we would try to have a larger family if possible with three or four kids. Now all of a sudden HE gets to change his mind and i'm left feeling bereft.

It wouldn't be so hard if he hadn't been giving mixed signals. He's never said yes to a third since we had DS. He has always been a firm no, however when talking to my friends he's always said things like, "she'll get her way eventually." and when talking to me jokingly, "well you wanted to do X so we did X, then you wanted to do Y so we did Y. I've no doubt we'll end up with another baby too." Then he made a comment on a nice girls name as if he was planning another. Because of these things i thought it best to just leave him alone to decide on his own, but maybe that was my mistake. He just didn't understand how much i wanted it and how hurtful it is that he's changed his mind.

Now he thinks i should "talk to someone" because he caught me crying about it. I was only hiding my crying because i didn't want him to be emotionally blackmailed inadvertently! Anyway, i've got an appointment with the nurse next week to talk about contraception. I can't keep doing this. Every month i hope for an oops, and it's not fair. It isn't fair for me to hope when he doesn't want it and it isn't fair for there to be a small chance, and for me to get my hopes up each month only to have them dashed when AF comes.

I think i will just need to go back on the pill. He's said he won't get a vasectomy yet, because he said that if one of our kids died he would definitely want another (when your kids have died before, i guess you talk frankly about stuff like this).

Why can't i just turn it the frig off!! I don't want to want it so much!!!!

Thanks for reading my pitiful rant. x

 

[Nat0609]

Hi Ladies

Can I join? Reading what some of you ladies have put is like reading about my own life!

We are WTT for #3 until September after a loss.

DF took some getting on board cos he's terrified of another loss but thankfully we agree now. We also have one of each so get the "you don't NEED anymore" quite a lot xx

 

[addy1]

Sausages...you are entitled to your feelings as well. You are allowed to want another baby! Yes you need to consider his feelings, but he also needs to consider yours. I'm sure he is just going through something right now, as he has given you mixed signals. Maybe wait a month or two...see where things go.

(I am the same way during pregnancy...I went to the hospital 3 times with my second daughter for no fetal movement. I had a loss right before, so I was so scared.)

Hi Nat! So sorry about your loss...

 

[luvmyfam]

Sausages, I'm so sorry about your DH not wanting a 3rd. I do agree with addy that you have a right to an opinion too though. Have you told him how his past comments mis lead you a little? Maybe one day he will come around.

 

[Nat0609]

My OH has been guilty of that in the last. Saying he doesn't want another etc but then sleeping with me knowing full well that he could get me pregnant.

Men are just totally different creatures to us xx

 

[ash0709]

We have two beautiful girls already. 6 and 4. I have had baby fever BAD for the past few months, not sure why, it just hit me all of a sudden and hasn't gone away. I watch baby shows, read forums such as this, etc. I feel the NEED to have another baby. I can't explain it really, I just feel it in my heart that it's time. A few reasons I want a baby now:
- we are doing well financially, and our girls are in school so daycare would only be for the baby.
- Our youngest is 4. I really don't want a huge age difference, and if we were to get prego today, our oldest and youngest would be 7 years apart! (way too far for me already) <--- worried about them not having ANYTHING in common.
- My health has declined pretty rapidly over the past 2yrs. I have really bad anxiety, depression, IBS, gastritis, cysts on both ovaries, and ulcers. All of my stomach problems, my Doc says are related to my anxiety, and says they wont go away until I treat the anxiety ( w/ anti-depression pills which i am SO against, I refuse to depend on a medicine to make me feel normal, and I've read nothing but negative things about anti-depressants.) <-- i was on them until December and took myself off because my husband and I started discussing a 3rd child and I didn't want ANY of it in my system.
I am afraid I won't be able to have anymore children if I wait too long. Idk though.. =/

My husband says he hasn't come to a decision yet. No reason imparticular, just hasn't decided yet, and I don't want to keep bothering him about it, or 'guilt-trip' him into it, and him end up resenting me or the baby.

I'm ready, he isn't sure. I'm confused. Idk what to do. Help?!

 

[Nat0609]

We have two beautiful girls already. 6 and 4. I have had baby fever BAD for the past few months, not sure why, it just hit me all of a sudden and hasn't gone away. I watch baby shows, read forums such as this, etc. I feel the NEED to have another baby. I can't explain it really, I just feel it in my heart that it's time. A few reasons I want a baby now:
- we are doing well financially, and our girls are in school so daycare would only be for the baby.
- Our youngest is 4. I really don't want a huge age difference, and if we were to get prego today, our oldest and youngest would be 7 years apart! (way too far for me already) <--- worried about them not having ANYTHING in common.
- My health has declined pretty rapidly over the past 2yrs. I have really bad anxiety, depression, IBS, gastritis, cysts on both ovaries, and ulcers. All of my stomach problems, my Doc says are related to my anxiety, and says they wont go away until I treat the anxiety ( w/ anti-depression pills which i am SO against, I refuse to depend on a medicine to make me feel normal, and I've read nothing but negative things about anti-depressants.) <-- i was on them until December and took myself off because my husband and I started discussing a 3rd child and I didn't want ANY of it in my system.
I am afraid I won't be able to have anymore children if I wait too long. Idk though.. =/

My husband says he hasn't come to a decision yet. No reason imparticular, just hasn't decided yet, and I don't want to keep bothering him about it, or 'guilt-trip' him into it, and him end up resenting me or the baby.

I'm ready, he isn't sure. I'm confused. Idk what to do. Help?!

He's probably worried about your emotional state/health - you need to be in a good place emotionally and health wise to go through a pregnancy. It's very hard if things go wrong (I'm not saying it would but 1 in 4 do) and you need to be in a good place to deal with things like that. Even a normal healthy pregnancy is a massive strain on your body and mind.

I would try and get yourself well before you even mention having another baby again. If you do that then he has a lot less reasons to object.

I hope you get some help, feel better soon and get your magic number baby xx

 

[sausages]

Hi ash0709, it sounds like you're similar to us. I do hope comes around for you. x

Thanks for your support again ladies. DH and i had another discussion and it was a good one even though i cried. Why do i do that?! I can't have a discussion with him about anything important without crying and it's so annoying!! Anyway, i explained how we'd discussed it a year ago and i suggested January to try, but then January came and he wasn't ready, so i left it a bit then brought it up again and he said no again and i left it that i would want to try in June and just left him alone again for a while. He said he just didn't remember me even saying anything! That he was just going along living his life and had no idea that i was even thinking about babies until recent months when he kind of got the idea by the way i was acting, but until then he didn't know.

I explained how confusing it was when he was making jokes about giving in and discussing future names and he said he talks about all kinds of stuff that he's never going to do, like cars he wants and things, and to him this was just the same.

I had to explain how much it hurts and that if we're definitely not having anymore then he needs to stop making jokes and he has to understand that i am going to get upset about it while i grieve for this child i thought i was going to have. He was really understanding.

He said he wants to talk about it with his sister and his parents to get their advice and just let it sink in now he's aware of how important it is to me. To be honest though, if he comes back and tells me yes i don't think i'll ever be certain that he doesn't just not want me to resent him iykwim. I wouldn't resent him, because i understand where he's coming from, but he might think i will.

Basically we both loose now. If he says yes i'll always think it was under duress and if something happens i'll carry the guilt. If he says no he'll always think i resent him for not letting me have another baby. He quite rightly said that we've never come up against anything this big in our relationship before.

Either way i have an appointment with a nurse next week for contraception. Shudder!! I always said i'd never go back on hormonal contraception!! I hate it!!

 

[ash0709]

Hi ash0709, it sounds like you're similar to us. I do hope comes around for you. x

Thanks for your support again ladies. DH and i had another discussion and it was a good one even though i cried. Why do i do that?! I can't have a discussion with him about anything important without crying and it's so annoying!! Anyway, i explained how we'd discussed it a year ago and i suggested January to try, but then January came and he wasn't ready, so i left it a bit then brought it up again and he said no again and i left it that i would want to try in June and just left him alone again for a while. He said he just didn't remember me even saying anything! That he was just going along living his life and had no idea that i was even thinking about babies until recent months when he kind of got the idea by the way i was acting, but until then he didn't know.

I explained how confusing it was when he was making jokes about giving in and discussing future names and he said he talks about all kinds of stuff that he's never going to do, like cars he wants and things, and to him this was just the same.

I had to explain how much it hurts and that if we're definitely not having anymore then he needs to stop making jokes and he has to understand that i am going to get upset about it while i grieve for this child i thought i was going to have. He was really understanding.

He said he wants to talk about it with his sister and his parents to get their advice and just let it sink in now he's aware of how important it is to me. To be honest though, if he comes back and tells me yes i don't think i'll ever be certain that he doesn't just not want me to resent him iykwim. I wouldn't resent him, because i understand where he's coming from, but he might think i will.

Basically we both loose now. If he says yes i'll always think it was under duress and if something happens i'll carry the guilt. If he says no he'll always think i resent him for not letting me have another baby. He quite rightly said that we've never come up against anything this big in our relationship before.

Either way i have an appointment with a nurse next week for contraception. Shudder!! I always said i'd never go back on hormonal contraception!! I hate it!!

Wow your story IS alot like ours. I cry EVERY TIME we talk about the baby thing because it's soooo dear to my heart. It's very important to me and it seems so insignificant to him. I've tried to tell him just to tell me straight up of its a no so I can quit beating myself up about it. We decided to try, then he changed his mind. I bring it up, he tells me a name he likes, then says he is happy with our two girls and unsure if he wants a 3rd. Back and forth back and forth. Ugh. It very VERY frustrating.

So since he never gave you an official answer, is that why you are getting back on BC? I had horrible experiences on BC. So I won't be getting back on it. But I'm at that point now where I just feel like giving up. And even questioning if it's the right thing to do to have a 3rd child. Idk. I think I'm just confusing myself more waiting on him. So I also feel like we are both losing. I won't WANT to resent him if we end up not having one simple because he could never come to a decision, but I feel like I might but not by choice. That's where my emotions will take over.

Thank you so much for the help and understanding.

 

[ash0709]

We have two beautiful girls already. 6 and 4. I have had baby fever BAD for the past few months, not sure why, it just hit me all of a sudden and hasn't gone away. I watch baby shows, read forums such as this, etc. I feel the NEED to have another baby. I can't explain it really, I just feel it in my heart that it's time. A few reasons I want a baby now:
- we are doing well financially, and our girls are in school so daycare would only be for the baby.
- Our youngest is 4. I really don't want a huge age difference, and if we were to get prego today, our oldest and youngest would be 7 years apart! (way too far for me already) <--- worried about them not having ANYTHING in common.
- My health has declined pretty rapidly over the past 2yrs. I have really bad anxiety, depression, IBS, gastritis, cysts on both ovaries, and ulcers. All of my stomach problems, my Doc says are related to my anxiety, and says they wont go away until I treat the anxiety ( w/ anti-depression pills which i am SO against, I refuse to depend on a medicine to make me feel normal, and I've read nothing but negative things about anti-depressants.) <-- i was on them until December and took myself off because my husband and I started discussing a 3rd child and I didn't want ANY of it in my system.
I am afraid I won't be able to have anymore children if I wait too long. Idk though.. =/

My husband says he hasn't come to a decision yet. No reason imparticular, just hasn't decided yet, and I don't want to keep bothering him about it, or 'guilt-trip' him into it, and him end up resenting me or the baby.

I'm ready, he isn't sure. I'm confused. Idk what to do. Help?!

He's probably worried about your emotional state/health - you need to be in a good place emotionally and health wise to go through a pregnancy. It's very hard if things go wrong (I'm not saying it would but 1 in 4 do) and you need to be in a good place to deal with things like that. Even a normal healthy pregnancy is a massive strain on your body and mind.

I would try and get yourself well before you even mention having another baby again. If you do that then he has a lot less reasons to object.

I hope you get some help, feel better soon and get your magic number baby xx

Hello, and thank you for the advice. Yeah, I can understand where he is coming from about my emotional state, but my health problems aren't going to go away overnight, and he doesn't seem to get that. I will deal with it on the daily no matter what,but if we had a third child and I could get the treatment I needed after, I wouldn't feel as bad if they told me they have to take out my ovaries. That is what I'm afraid of. Seeking the right treatment, and the treatment ending up preventing me from having any more children or the doc suggesting it wouldn't be wise to do so.

 

[Jaz78]

sausages - that sounds like a crap situation I do think you will get past this problem though, whether that means with another baby or being happy with two. it just may take away. GBH

ash - agree with nat that you should work on your own health first. It might bring news you dont want to hear, but always better to have all the facts, i think.
Also, i have sisters that are 2,6 and 15 years younger than me!! I didnt play with the sister six years younger than me that much while growing up, but we still often had lots of fun and we are close now. I get along with her far better than my sister closer in age. Age gaps are just one element of a relationship and childhood is only a small part of our lives

We are both still very keen to have a third, but have decided to put the pressure off having to TTC next year. It just seems too much with me starting a new career and our existing kids to be UTD as well considering i find pregnancy very hard. We may still TTC next year, we will see how we go. Otherwise it can wait a year or two. i can't beat 35 anymore and ive decided to try not to get too hung up on my age as there is not much I can do about it, and I dont want to sacrifice my relationships with my current kids and husband to have a third sooner.

 

[ash0709]

sausages - that sounds like a crap situation I do think you will get past this problem though, whether that means with another baby or being happy with two. it just may take away. GBH

ash - agree with nat that you should work on your own health first. It might bring news you dont want to hear, but always better to have all the facts, i think.
Also, i have sisters that are 2,6 and 15 years younger than me!! I didnt play with the sister six years younger than me that much while growing up, but we still often had lots of fun and we are close now. I get along with her far better than my sister closer in age. Age gaps are just one element of a relationship and childhood is only a small part of our lives

We are both still very keen to have a third, but have decided to put the pressure off having to TTC next year. It just seems too much with me starting a new career and our existing kids to be UTD as well considering i find pregnancy very hard. We may still TTC next year, we will see how we go. Otherwise it can wait a year or two. i can't beat 35 anymore and ive decided to try not to get too hung up on my age as there is not much I can do about it, and I dont want to sacrifice my relationships with my current kids and husband to have a third sooner.

Thanks Jaz. I do know it would be best to take care of my health first, just scared of what it might end up being and the possible consequences that will come from it.

I am worried about the age difference for sure. My two girls are only 2yrs apart and get on each others nerves half of the time. My brother and sister and I are all 3 yrs apart, my brother 3yrs older than me and my sister 3yrs younger. I always got along well with my brother, but my sister and I didn't really have anything in common til. We're older and her and my brother, 6 yrs apart, still have nothing in common but the military and being parents.


Idk I'm starting to second guess myself on everything. Wondering if it would even BE a good idea for us to have a 3rd one. Idk.. I'm frustrate and confused. Idk how to feel at this point. We were supposed to TTC this month, and now it's almost the end of it,and he still 'hasn't come to a decision'. =/

 

[Nat0609]

Ash, it sounds as if you aren't quite sure yourself either.

I don't think there is a problem age gap wise personally, my sister is 5 years younger and we get on great. OH's brother is 18 months younger and he's not going to be Best Man at our wedding. Also one of my best friends is only a few years younger than my Mum so if people/siblings get on or not isn't age related.

You could always just leave it up to fate I guess as long as you could cope mentally and physically no matter what the outcome.

 

[Tanikit]

Can I join too - I have two girls 5.5 and 2 years old. I told DH before we married that I want three children but he only wanted two. My second pregnancy was exceptionally difficult with me in hospital and having the ambulance out a few times I am a type 1 diabetic - both my children were in NICU after birth though both are perfectly healthy now.

My DH says we cannot have another baby as the two we have now need a mother and according to him I nearly died that pregnancy. I want a third.

So for now I am trying to improve what went wrong last time. I have applied for a referral so that I can hopefully get an insulin pump which should prevent the severe hypoglycaemia I had in both pregnancies - just praying our medical aid will approve it. I have also sent DH for blood tests which he had and which show their are issues (not getting into that here as this is also a work in progress)

I will probably not be able to ttc til at least 2014 based on these issues, but I am hoping that with all the work we have to do to get there, DH will see that I really want one and have done what is necessary to keep us all safe during a pregnancy. He knows I want one and is saying no based purely on health issues so I hope that is really the only reason he is saying no as that can be fixed - not perfectly, but hopefully to an acceptable level.

AF started for me today. I am not on any contraceptives and have only had 3 AFs now since stopping breastfeeding and as each one comes by I get more and more broody. I also do not believe we are done yet.